5 months since the hospital I still don't know much about it.
Dissociative Identity Disorder.
My amnesia isn't just having forgotten everything. in fact I've still wished it was me not remembering things. with lost memory it would just be as easy as asking friends, reading blogs, personal messages, or just gaffing things until I remembered. but the only things that bleed through seem to be horrible things. it started the moment my wife showed up at the hospital in LongIsland Newyork. she thought i just had amnesia, and I thought so too. after a week in the hospital being run tests on. they found it'd had a mental break. and labeled it as d.i.d. thought they weren't exploring the lengths to which it was.
when i tell you this next part try to keep in mind it was confusing to me too, and from what i've studied about the characteristics of D.I.D. can differ from case to case but simply said. I am not Sydney, but sydney is here somewhere in the background, and her and I are not alone. there is at least one more person in this mind going my Faith. With that said I'm Jane. I got that name from one of the scanning techs when they were checking my brain for problems.
I have spent 4 months here in Seattle trying to get some help figuring out how to deal with the D,I,D,
The deal is. I have had a bout of Amnesia. The doctors say" transient global amnesia." I'm not fond of being stabbed 8 times with needles.
But learning from Sydney's phone that there is so much more going on in her life than my mere bloodshed.
I found she had a dream to sail. She is animate about this dream. So add someone whom has to look after this body till she arrives back. I had to reassure the boat would still be on course.
Traking this time to reflect I hope to be out on the boat all times I can.
The success of dream relies allot on money, but not all of my dream matters to connect with money.
The hard work, and my desire to find what it needs. Be it blood, bruises or new ropes. It's more than the love of my dream. It's that chance to share it with all those friends, family and strangers whom perhaps will help me make it easier to share my dream. I have a will. I just need some help.
Explain because one of my friends to me what exactly am I doing? The truth is I can't say unless I am actually going to do it. So all the idea is and goals in the world mean nothing. I have ideas which are part of my dream . However the likelihood and she's these plans goals is based money or means. I know this because live a very poor. Life. Accepting that is what I am going to do. I keep hearing in my head. "You have to build your dock for your boat to come in. " this statement folded my hopes and dreams into a small box. To stare back at when I succeeded in making a living or became 70 yrs old and started to regret my dad Chase of someone's presumed normalcy.
Sooooo.. as everyone knows that's read this blog.. I have stalkers.. one is my Ex, and some others who don't know they're stalkers as much as they just stalk. I have been hard pressed to look through profiles, and messages and risking letting some in, but what I know is!
Stalkers may give up when confronted, but then they come back, and start all over again. My Stalkers have a dyer need to know if I'm talking about them or about something they want to know. For example; anything about My transition is their DRUG. Them knowing my success or failures are creepy at the least. Facebook is now removing a direct Public Search block. This will bring me to their instant enjoyment. I've been noticing a few stalkers in the Facebook world circling friends, and trans persons. Dare I neglect the fact trans people in general are very searching. needing acceptance, and help, and community. the last being a joke. There'll always be stalkers, and while they exist. it's important they know they'll be known, and avoided when they cross the spectator line. I'm not a sports person or a celebrity, but where did the beginning of the mass option come.. I'm a person, and giving people sexual gratification or intellectual gratification. Nobody is a slave to others depraved needs. I'm open to any thoughts on this, and open to updating my post with more insight.
As I'm not to bore you with the Constant issues of a Cluster Gone Terribley wrong. I wanted to share with you Primarily my New Project which is Small shorts, and The first one is Based on the TG topics, and How the events play-out for one trans person after a night out.
I'll have stills up soon, but it's not the only thought in my head.
Another is based on how a midnight Vlogger finds the news isn't always what she's reporting.
I have been wokring on some Wind Related Projects aswell. Art has no bounds, and wind is one of those things that continues to power my love of music, and science.
It's Like a new sun rising every time things start looking up. Like a Whole new Ball of hydrogen is burning just to brighten the world just to fix anyone's
My mother while listening to her Cohen, and surfing a few sites ran across this cover by Antony & the Johnsons.
Antony is a Self described Transgender Gay. There's so many people confused in the U.S. that it's just easier to dismiss it, and enjoy the Very wonderful music sung by Antony, and played by the Johnsons. I recommend it aswell, and Hope that someday we understand that the differences about people are what make us wonderful, and not crazy.
I was thinking the last thing to do before I can't is post alot of these thoughts into this blog. I'm not certain if I will be keeping up on this site, and Pinkisl33t has been my web home since I worked back in 04'
Time has only warned me about the darkness of being away from the company of others.
I'm greatful for the company of Kate, and her very unique drama. Yes she Catches on fire, and the Birds flap around the room in a multi-orbital pattern..
With the BP spill, Terrorism, and life as we know it facing crisis ever day. I go back to the old unheard statement I was taught by who knows whom. Take it easy, and focus on the things you can do to see to your survival.
This year I've really struggled
with that thought, and come through the bad weather, and emotional hardships with 3 tomato plants, and some carrots. Hopefully Halloween will be a happy time for the world around, and perhaps I'll be able to sell some pumpkins. I know this all seems like I've become some sorted bag of nuts, but I must say. The world is equally as fruity. I need something to do, and because all those jobs
I've applied for have seen fit to lawfully discriminate or just basically run outta jobs to fill, and forgetting to tell me I'm not one of the lucky ones. I'm doing this.
Himegi castle, Japan
My vlogs will be coming back up soon, and hopefully so will my optimism. As many people whom know about me hear. I've got some heart, and a lotta brains, and yet can't seem to put the both together long enough to come out ahead. I've got alot of people whom when they say something for me to do. They say somethings like these ; "why don't you move out?", "why don't you come live here?", "go get a job, and you'll be able to move out.", "can't you just file for unemployment?", find a Sugar Daddy/Mommy!", "go get some 420.", "you need to be on meds.". All that aside I've no job to claim unemployment from, and there's no gas station with in 8 miles let alone anything resembling work that's not taken by those people called "FARMERS". I know if I moved out I'd have to pay for a place or maybe even live on the streets at least a few weeks. maybe a month+, Or that Infamous one. If I wanted to I couldn't even do that. I know it's easy to freebase, and It's really easy to hang over people's houses, but when you don't know anyone around the area, and if I should ever get one to come out here that'd probley never happen. dealers aren't pizza delivery out in the Boonies. Get some sense can call me in the morning..
I for years have run my transition VLOG. It's been less, and less posted on. I even had my brother in law call me a freak on it last year. Despite how I should be posting to throw it back in his face. I really have nothing to post. My transition has stalled, and I doubt my transition will be further than It has gone. I'm very put down by the government being as much of failures as I myself. I feel they should be in their Parents' home thinking about how they could have stopped this from happening like myself over the past 2 years.
I doubt my life is going to guide me back to a life Vlog, and as such I decided to shut it down.
I've had a few comments in private about how I should possibly make a comment VLOG or something of critic videos of places, and people. I think If I were to do that I'd want to do it while doing things in my life. I have thought many times over the years about leaving and just winging it, and when all falls apart just hitching my way back to this little room in the middle of the dead ocean, and stew about the failure I am all Over again.
I think I'll goto Florida.
I would go west, but I'm not Horatio Alger. I also am nothing like Allen Ginsburg though I've admired his workings as such. I know that there's music, and culture in the sun, and Perhaps Some beach will be waiting there to Knock some sense into me. I think It should be one with Black hair from a Far west state, and tell me I'm a Dumb-ass for writing such a Ridiculous Blog.
So if you wish please watch my Last YouTube VLOG
Thanks for all the Good times, and your Support in the Bad times.
Please feel free to tell me any of the ideas you have for any new Channel. I'm not afraid to be on cam, and Speak. I could even read something For you.
I'm soon to be in school. learning soo much about networking at the moment, but that's not what the school will be for. I can't jinx it so for the mean time I'll just say it'll be a stable income, and the world won't effect me if it fills me as much as I it. I've started a Project that'll be lasting for a long time to come. Like my websites. this project is one that'll expand or flop. It's always been my plans to expand my knowledge of things around me. So, As i watch "Tower of Druaga" , and think about my options especially the transition ones. I have my eye on those friends around me, and try hard to keep them standing strong. I do believe those who will be effected by my friendship will stay around, and show interest. some will not, and some may be just in waiting. As some know I was very social out in New England, and those friends that practice life by social standards wish as I do to see my happy smile return to the fold. I may be in kansas, but many have said I'm not gone nor forgotten. As i might think this is a delusion sometimes. It isn't . I know whom is, and whom isn't in my grasp of friendship on that level. I also know the deeper, and more realistic friends know I'm very shallow when it comes to idle chatter. I don't spout for spoutings' sake. I do wish it'd come sooner rather than later, but nothing can be done for that. The old strong ways are all I can sue to forward my stable life.
Just to recount. I'm setting up for a stable job, and plan to work hard on my life, and the certainties of it.
I wanted to share my failings, and Aspirations with you.
Started the day with the Expressed, and Planned importance of being at the Houston Holocaust Memorial for the T.D.O.R. event. I've found it's very important to respect your dead. Even though in my family it's always been a Shame to see something as sad as this event take place. Every time I've went to my Grandpa's grave I always asked Why? Why don't you have answers for me, and why is Gma such a JERK. I've since stopped going when my Gma passed. I've had very strong feminine characters in my life. I grew up asking why couldn't I know more about Amelia Erhart, and Others Like Rosie the Riviter? All for nothing. There's nothing to know beyond they had the gumption to force their ways into the mans world, and all I can come up with is Failure.
This Last bit aside. My failure to come up with a force to keep me going to the T.D.O.R. event. Brings me to utter frustration. The fact is I also turned down the chance to be comfortable, and with kinder people for thanksgiving. I know it's stupid but I have many reasons, and Sometimes These reasons are worth it. My sister is the reason I'm in Houston. The second reason is to be here for my nefew. Whom has not had nearly enough clarity about his mom, and dad. I think it's just my way to express the failures, and Misgivings of a parent long before thinking they're not foul-able. My parents kept theirs from us till after my older sister, and I had left. I think it's a Failure that could have prevented so-many hardships.
I have been interested in Aly for some time now, and I don't mean to throw her for such loops, but I think she's werth letting know that it's not easy to be me. I'm not simple, and She's gotta know that from prior issues, and history I've told her. I think for someone whom doesn't have a extra Pole and hook in the water she's pretty stable, and Very kind for a NewYorker. I have met a few in my time, and it's typically just barely standable. (i speak of in person) I've met quite a few people online that are that nice aswell.
I've been wanting to live in the Gulf coast since the beginning of this year, and i don't know if i'd mind changing it to NY, but I think it's just a Matter of convinence. I'm sure with the economy, and the lack of jobs the future is something to be met with Stern Seriousness. I want to transittion sometime before I'm some Dumb Gatekeepin' B.s.-ER.
As for thanksgiving the only thing i'm looking forward to without fear is my sister's New recipe for Stuffing. I'm deathly afraid of bad stuffing. I usually spit it out, and Hope to be Plesantly suprised. I am going to not be girly despite the fact this wil be the second year I've been seen as a MAN to people in my family. I'm feeling down about it. I choose this though. Because of my family. Hear that? yeah I mean you.. (the family readin this thing.)
I'm going to keep on being me, and try not to let my voice work back out to it's clearly feminine tone. It's been happening all this week.
I believe I'm going t start working of stories of trans people in basic situations. not just me and my family though you will be seeing some from thanksgiving.. I don't think I could Live through this T-day without my Drawing pad.
