5 months in

Continued, from April 5th 2015

5 months since the hospital I still don't know much about it.

Dissociative Identity Disorder.

My amnesia isn't just having forgotten everything. in fact I've still wished it was me not remembering things. with lost memory it would just be as easy as asking friends, reading blogs, personal messages, or just gaffing things until I remembered. but the only things that bleed through seem to be horrible things. it started the moment my wife showed up at the hospital in LongIsland Newyork. she thought i just had amnesia, and I thought so too. after a week in the hospital being run tests on. they found it'd had a mental break. and labeled it as d.i.d. thought they weren't exploring the lengths to which it was.

when i tell you this next part try to keep in mind it was confusing to me too, and from what i've studied about the characteristics of D.I.D. can differ from case to case but simply said. I am not Sydney, but sydney is here somewhere in the background, and her and I are not alone. there is at least one more person in this mind going my Faith. With that said I'm Jane. I got that name from one of the scanning techs when they were checking my brain for problems.

I have spent 4 months here in Seattle trying to get some help figuring out how to deal with the D,I,D,

I hope someone can help me.

5 months in

Waking to a New Sun Rising

It's Like a new sun rising every time things start looking up. Like a Whole new Ball of hydrogen is burning just to brighten the world just to fix anyone's

My mother while listening to her Cohen, and surfing a few sites ran across this cover by Antony & the Johnsons.

Antony is a Self described Transgender Gay. There's so many people confused in the U.S. that it's just easier to dismiss it, and enjoy the Very wonderful music sung by Antony, and played by the Johnsons. I recommend it aswell, and Hope that someday we understand that the differences about people are what make us wonderful, and not crazy.

I've linked Antony's site below.

Antony & the Johnsons

They've also played with Bjork. I've always loved her music.

Waking to a New Sun Rising

Failings, and Aspirations

I wanted to share my failings, and Aspirations with you.

Started the day with the Expressed, and Planned importance of being at the Houston Holocaust Memorial for the T.D.O.R. event. I've found it's very important to respect your dead. Even though in my family it's always been a Shame to see something as sad as this event take place. Every time I've went to my Grandpa's grave I always asked Why? Why don't you have answers for me, and why is Gma such a JERK. I've since stopped going when my Gma passed. I've had very strong feminine characters in my life. I grew up asking why couldn't I know more about Amelia Erhart, and Others Like Rosie the Riviter? All for nothing. There's nothing to know beyond they had the gumption to force their ways into the mans world, and all I can come up with is Failure.

This Last bit aside. My failure to come up with a force to keep me going to the T.D.O.R. event. Brings me to utter frustration. The fact is I also turned down the chance to be comfortable, and with kinder people for thanksgiving. I know it's stupid but I have many reasons, and Sometimes These reasons are worth it. My sister is the reason I'm in Houston. The second reason is to be here for my nefew. Whom has not had nearly enough clarity about his mom, and dad. I think it's just my way to express the failures, and Misgivings of a parent long before thinking they're not foul-able. My parents kept theirs from us till after my older sister, and I had left. I think it's a Failure that could have prevented so-many hardships.

I have been interested in Aly for some time now, and I don't mean to throw her for such loops, but I think she's werth letting know that it's not easy to be me. I'm not simple, and She's gotta know that from prior issues, and history I've told her. I think for someone whom doesn't have a extra Pole and hook in the water she's pretty stable, and Very kind for a NewYorker. I have met a few in my time, and it's typically just barely standable. (i speak of in person) I've met quite a few people online that are that nice aswell.

I've been wanting to live in the Gulf coast since the beginning of this year, and i don't know if i'd mind changing it to NY, but I think it's just a Matter of convinence. I'm sure with the economy, and the lack of jobs the future is something to be met with Stern Seriousness. I want to transittion sometime before I'm some Dumb Gatekeepin' B.s.-ER.

As for thanksgiving the only thing i'm looking forward to without fear is my sister's New recipe for Stuffing. I'm deathly afraid of bad stuffing. I usually spit it out, and Hope to be Plesantly suprised. I am going to not be girly despite the fact this wil be the second year I've been seen as a MAN to people in my family. I'm feeling down about it. I choose this though. Because of my family. Hear that? yeah I mean you.. (the family readin this thing.)

I'm going to keep on being me, and try not to let my voice work back out to it's clearly feminine tone. It's been happening all this week.

I believe I'm going t start working of stories of trans people in basic situations. not just me and my family though you will be seeing some from thanksgiving.. I don't think I could Live through this T-day without my Drawing pad.

Plz Reply

Failings, and Aspirations

Personal Problems

So.., Many things cause issues in my life, and one of the worst is Love. A constant wish, and disgust of the feeling, and sometimes just the word triggering it. I wish it were simpler. I want to be loved, and for that person to be that solve I need, but It'd be dumb of me to consider that with all that people know and love that such a person existing one this planet is a far off cry to finding out what'll really be certain. I'm afraid. all the feelings. Love is only 2nd to Friendship. I believe in it. I have very few ideals of what really certifies it, and most of the time those signs can seem like Love is the reason they are there. Love in friendship, or love in lust, and I get confused in that as much as I get confused in noticing people flirting. Unless it's so Blatant. I can't seem to tell when it's happening. I wish I was Shoveling Snow. I wish My body could just Lye in the snow, and relax. If only I had the gusto to pursue the actions to get me there.

Personal Problems

Spooky Bloom

The Alice shoot was taken in 2005. during a really dry year.

My commentary about WSU, and Kansas support for Trans People.

Set can be found at www.flickr.com

Spooky Bloom