Getting out of the house (Fireworks!)

I've been quite a shut-in since getting back from Washington. Things haven't been the best, and fearing the worst has brought my depression back.

Despite this. I've been trying to pursue a Tiny home Project, and also get the will together to start painting again. Painting has always allowed the long term feelings to merge with what i don't often get deep enough to vent or even when I have a Breakdown. the world just seems so-messed-up. I'm also a Rational person, and see what really holds me back. Too-little jobs, and a Government that won't do the hard decisive choice, and shut down global economics. Exports are lover than Imports, and there's no way to snap a bubble around the failure to understand that. The point is. I'm about as likely to find work as a Mexican at home depot as a Mexican these days.

I've not just given up either, but I also haven't put all my eggs in one basket. I'm seeing some options, and keeping them in mind as a walk forward day by day. one foot at a time.

The first time I've really been out since May is this 4th of July. I decided to goto my nieces' B-day party, and watch the town's fireworks afterward. the outcome was a nice time, and also captured some video on my cell-cam.
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Getting out of the house (Fireworks!)

Some Artshow - Winfield's Art in the park (Island Park)

So many times I’ve seen others Setup, and show their wares, and All I could do is admire them. In 2009 I decided to releave some anxiety, and show my own works to the world. It was very short, and I felt it wasn’t enough, but I can say It was very good to feel like Someone besides my family had seen something. I don’t know much of the people whom go to these art shows, and I wouldn’t want to see them work to their product. I would rather see what best could be, and Not worry about being di-ceated for the means of winning a prize.

I Decided to paint a little to avoid the odd questions, and anxiety surrounding me in this time, and was painting furiously.. I painted, and painted, and what happened next was I heard Breathing. A LOT of Breathing. Nobody was behind the crowd that’d gathered to immortalize it on film, but there they children, and young teens all staring on. They were staring, and when they noticed I had stopped Like chickens without the feed being thrown at them took a second gathered their thoughts and Scurried out..

I Decided to paint a little to avoid the odd questions, and anxiety surrounding me in this time, and was painting furiously.. I paintined, and painted, and what happened next was I heard Breathing. A LOT of Breathing. Nobody was behind the crowd that’d gathered to immortalize it on film, but there they children, and young teens all staring on. They were staring, and when they noticed I had stopped Like chickens without the feed being thrown at them took a second gathered their thoughts and Scurried out..

I think If I do this again this year I’ll try to bring more than Photographs. Perhaps I’ll bring some motion Projects, and alot more things to hang what I make on hand (screen is not sturdy enough to hang paintings from.)

Sydney

Some Artshow - Winfield's Art in the park (Island Park)

New Project, and Revisiting an Older one.

As I'm not to bore you with the Constant issues of a Cluster Gone Terribley wrong. I wanted to share with you Primarily my New Project which is Small shorts, and The first one is Based on the TG topics, and How the events play-out for one trans person after a night out.

I'll have stills up soon, but it's not the only thought in my head.

Another is based on how a midnight Vlogger finds the news isn't always what she's reporting.

I have been wokring on some Wind Related Projects aswell. Art has no bounds, and wind is one of those things that continues to power my love of music, and science.

New Project, and Revisiting an Older one.

Tiresome miles

I'm soon to be in school. learning soo much about networking at the moment, but that's not what the school will be for. I can't jinx it so for the mean time I'll just say it'll be a stable income, and the world won't effect me if it fills me as much as I it. I've started a Project that'll be lasting for a long time to come. Like my websites. this project is one that'll expand or flop. It's always been my plans to expand my knowledge of things around me. So, As i watch "Tower of Druaga" , and think about my options especially the transition ones. I have my eye on those friends around me, and try hard to keep them standing strong. I do believe those who will be effected by my friendship will stay around, and show interest. some will not, and some may be just in waiting. As some know I was very social out in New England, and those friends that practice life by social standards wish as I do to see my happy smile return to the fold. I may be in kansas, but many have said I'm not gone nor forgotten. As i might think this is a delusion sometimes. It isn't . I know whom is, and whom isn't in my grasp of friendship on that level. I also know the deeper, and more realistic friends know I'm very shallow when it comes to idle chatter. I don't spout for spoutings' sake. I do wish it'd come sooner rather than later, but nothing can be done for that. The old strong ways are all I can sue to forward my stable life.

Just to recount. I'm setting up for a stable job, and plan to work hard on my life, and the certainties of it.

Sydney+

p.s. I'm tired..of "T"

Tiresome miles

wavey depressive gravy

Today I did alot.

ALOT

Believe me. I don't know how it all fit in one day.

I played Cafe world, Secondlife, house, emo gurl, photographer, Music blast, and or coarse I did research.

the research of the day was about transition regret. I heard back-way-when that there was trans people who'd found out or were so confused in their G.I.D. that they pursued going back to their born gender after transition. It's like they say "It's not the Goal. It's the Journey? " I'd have to say It is the Journey, but they don't know that. They're just confused. And G.I.D. isn't always something to solve with a wave of a magic Scalpel. Yes I'm saying For some of us Trans People there's NO GOAL AT ALL. just the journey. it's the road with no end. The long,and lonely road ahead. I myself find that the Goal may be the mirage. I'm humbled by the majority of people who think they can be so sure when they're looking upto Gate-Keepers, and aiming the beliefs at uncertain life decisions. We're not crazy for wanting out ends. We're just the Un-mapped masses. We're just getting a handle on the Gays, and Lesbians. You think you know these things Nemo, but you Don't! Lines from my Mother that speak in a playful sense of reality lerking up on you, and .. .. .. You don't see it coming. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get mine. Perhaps I'll be attacked in a Walmart.. (Yay the first trans gurl to be beated clueless at a Walmart.) Any-how. You all love it when I say nothing at all, and It seems to be the Cost of writing this. Your suffering of the extended time I'm awake.

Well With that I'll leave the Pictures for tomorrow.. Yes I have More Pics. In SL, and of myself..

wavey depressive gravy

Sooo Much to say About SL

Well as anyone who has me on a msgr Knows I'm a SL player. I like it cause it makes it seem like i'm going out. But sometimes reality bites back hard, and I don't get back-on for a while.

Yesterday was a great night/morning, and met a bunch of great people. I've got some Pics of the Pritties, and the Handsomes'.

Above is Rode. She's a Great gal. Very outgoing, and I think she could do with some company or the casual goto the mall kind. The group is certainly filled with what nobody would say simple people. I'd have to say I'm one of them kinds.

I have some sad news though. Poor Faith has been thrown to the trash pile again. This time by her Bias Uncle. Seems he didn't give her any warning,

and invited her to a group which then he

promptly ejected her, and Paper from. It's kina hard to keep friends through relationships that attack people like her now Ex-Uncle. Funny that he wouldn't have just said it., But then again Thus is the Secondlife Motto. "Be You, be Screwed, be Nice or the Lindens will ban you."

The one gal I think i'd love to know more about is Rena. She's Very simple, and Defnately a Ying to my yang. I like meeting nice people. Give me a feeling like i don't belong like Faith.. On my back in the trash.

Well that last statement sent me for a down turn. I'll have to watch out for those implied emotional bursts. In any account. He's Rena in all her Beautiful skin colorfulness.

Isn't she Beautiful in her scarlet gown, and gold chains? I think if i'd ever had to be stuck on any alien planet I'd not mind hers.

In personal news I found some old cards from my ex, and in them she says how she loves me, and then i read the top of one, and it says. Bre. Bre is her Exx, and I've spoken with him. He's certainly not trans. he's more of a Con dresser. He knows he looks cute at con's so he doesn't dress except at cons. I'd have to

say it rushes back a Ton of unwanted thoughts. Thoughts like How precisely it is that the words were darn near the same ones she'd said to me when we broke up. Giving Props to my theory of scripted Fake life. Companions on demand, and a whole slew of drama's I won't get started.

So. Back to someone Who does love me. Despite being soo busy Rene =P.

She's always Been there for me. Emotionally, and the rare intimate. She's her own woman. I'm very happy with us.

That's it for this time. More SL to come, and More personal and professional for you..

Sydney~

Sooo Much to say About SL

The new wind in my sails

Started working on these projects. You see there's soo many things to distract me. People's problems. My own worthless feelings, and the constant nagging thought that those i feel are good friends just want to bang me. I have such great project ideas. Now I'm going to draw them and write about them. Speaking of my space. I saved my site once again.. i've got to find some money to keep the hosting current. I will not have to worry about the sites going away. Kittimedia.com will not become a Pron Site... I think i'd rather sell it to a friend or to PETA.. it'd be better used that way..

The wind generator ideas have been being blocked by my in frequent want for someone else to be into it withme. I Want others to be in on this project, but i'm looking at it the wrong way. I know I am cause I've been here many times before with multitudes of other projects. Films, photography, and even just SEX.. yeah.. I have wanted some good sex... Can't I just not have a crying horrified feeling when having sex? for once..

I even regret dry humping this one person..

If i could only get my mind over this Curbstop.

The new wind in my sails