5 months in

Continued, from April 5th 2015

5 months since the hospital I still don't know much about it.

Dissociative Identity Disorder.

My amnesia isn't just having forgotten everything. in fact I've still wished it was me not remembering things. with lost memory it would just be as easy as asking friends, reading blogs, personal messages, or just gaffing things until I remembered. but the only things that bleed through seem to be horrible things. it started the moment my wife showed up at the hospital in LongIsland Newyork. she thought i just had amnesia, and I thought so too. after a week in the hospital being run tests on. they found it'd had a mental break. and labeled it as d.i.d. thought they weren't exploring the lengths to which it was.

when i tell you this next part try to keep in mind it was confusing to me too, and from what i've studied about the characteristics of D.I.D. can differ from case to case but simply said. I am not Sydney, but sydney is here somewhere in the background, and her and I are not alone. there is at least one more person in this mind going my Faith. With that said I'm Jane. I got that name from one of the scanning techs when they were checking my brain for problems.

I have spent 4 months here in Seattle trying to get some help figuring out how to deal with the D,I,D,

I hope someone can help me.

5 months in

A 2.5 month Thorn Bush

I have so much to update.

Many things I have no clue about.

The deal is. I have had a bout of Amnesia.  The doctors say" transient global amnesia." I'm not fond of being stabbed 8 times with needles. 

But learning from Sydney's phone that there is so much more going on in her life than my mere bloodshed.

I found she had a dream to sail.  She is animate about this dream.  So add someone whom has to look after this body till she arrives back.  I had to reassure the boat would still be on course.

Traking this time to reflect I hope to be out on the boat all times I can.

(April 3rd 2015)

A 2.5 month Thorn Bush

Lost Rigging

Sorting through what seemed like an endless pile of screws for my boat I have come to realize that not many of these parts actually go to any boat nor mine, and as a result I will need find what I need to put the rigging back together after taking it down for first splash. The moving costs to the water will be $230 if I pay somebody.

Well searching 1 sail and took it out to get clean and not find the job anywhere. I also found what I thought semi frozen water the hall completely added salt to it. With hopes that the freezing range would increase and allow soon humping of the water out.

Earlier this week I was scrubbing the entire hall and found nicks and cracks in the hole that concerned me. I hope that these are not signs of a larger problem and will steal them I fill in the bottom coat. Moving to the top scrubbing the cover I found one of the wooden slide rails to be broken and will need replacement to keep chatch lifting as well replace 3 tie down bolts. after I took a sample bolt from the lifting hood I noticed a tightly whatd sale bag stuffed deep into the compartment under the pilot area. Sure enough it was the jib and up on later inspection found it to be brilliant white with no damage besides slight oxidation on eyelets.

So the current status of my boat is full of water with supplies in ice 1 sail needing cleaned. Rigging pieces needing replaced railing cord getting tightened ropes needing replaced all ropes. As well as the GPS compass and rewiring of the electrical lights & accessories.

Current upside news is I have a solar panel for recharging the batteries I have 2 deep cycle batteries and a lot of solar lights and battery driven lights to utilize during sailing.

On the decisions pertaining to the course of my boat my goal is yet to be said due to the fact I do not want to jinx it . As for direction it will be south going from the north side of Long Island to Connecticut Connecticut to New Jersey via the East River. New Jersey to Delaware via open ocean. that is currently all I have root out and worked at plotting.

As I was cleaning the boat prior owner came out and handed me the manual for the book and a book on how to sale which included a picture prior to it being pulled out of the water. also in these papers were the fact sheet of investigation & happily a list of parts needed for the rigging.  There was a sheet from the marina that pulled it which also included the previous previous owners info. the most fearful thing read in this paperwork was a question mark around "fiberglass?"

It has been on my mind ever since.

Lost Rigging

One week till beginning work

I visited the boat today an did a nother survey album. I have high hopes that next week will start work on the minimals to place in water.

One week till: Survey
http://youtu.be/Hc2SrUF_Y-A

One week till beginning work

Needs

While looking through all the specs I also do not know what is in storage so I can tell everyone for sure that I need the following things and they are quite expensive. Of course everything is expensive to me monetarily.

•Solar car charger
• Battery cross cables
•wood saw
•10hp or higher outboard motor
• 3 dock bumpers
• compass
• 300+yards of various rope

This list may expand depending on what is in the storage locker. I know most of it but some of it is a? Including the sails may need replaced which puts me in a pickle.

Needs

The other side of the mirror

I am still planning to sail by late February.  My friends are trying to pitch in.  I am looking Into where to park or sail to.  My dream isn't where to go.  

I've thought about sailing for the big change in Thailand.  However I don't have a letter for it.  It's hard to talk about money when you have none.  I'm not a bum though.  I work.  I give recompense.  I do enjoy evading the horrid day job, but I also am dependant on the kindness of others. 

If I find myself making allot of attention.  I may consider a longer trip than Galveston Texas  via Florida. It's not about the place.  I just know I have a way of fixing it up there. 

Vlog

I would appreciate any opinions or help offered.  You can reach me at papersydney@Gmail.com

The other side of the mirror

6 days on the island

The success of dream relies allot on money, but not all of my dream matters to connect with money. 

The hard work, and my desire to find what it needs.  Be it blood, bruises or  new ropes.  It's more than the love of my dream. It's that chance to share it with all those friends, family and strangers whom perhaps will help me make it easier to share my dream.  I have a will.  I just need some help.

To help Please Like share & watch my vlogs

6 days on the island

Explanations

Explain because one of my friends to me what exactly am I doing? The truth is I can't say unless I am actually going to do it. So all the idea is and goals in the world mean nothing. I have ideas which are part of my dream . However the likelihood and she's these plans goals is based money or means. I know this because live a very poor. Life. Accepting that is what I am going to do. I keep hearing in my head.  "You have to build your dock for your boat to come in. " this statement folded my hopes and dreams into a small box.  To stare back at when I succeeded in making a living or became 70 yrs old and started to regret my dad Chase of someone's presumed normalcy.

Sydney Explains: http://youtu.be/PuiD0Oshyj8

Explanations

Goals and vision

I find it quite inspiring that there's more trans documentaries coming out I also no that I cannot film a documentary myself but I do have goals that are documentary worthy however. My goals will be public and anything else I film will probably be in something later. We are heading to the boat.  Hoping for a deal.  The other choice is in Huntington.  While bigger the supplies for finishing don't come with it.  I'm posting more pics once I can see inside.

YouTube for updates.
Support Trans India

Goals and vision

Today's goals

Looking forward to moving some stuff today.  Arranged storage yesterday and fixed a mistake I made at my friends house. 

The goals are hopeful.  Not over evening.  We'll be working to the Fay and heavy late this week.  31st is drop dead. .

Goals for the day: http://youtu.be/N9BDbUBXzRA

Today's goals

A storm.

There was more to The ice and rain today than in The video.  It turned into a Gale warning . That is something I'm happy not to be sailing in.  I know how under experienced with sail boats.  Motor boats are petty well known to me.  I am sad to say i didn't see The boat again today, but soon i will be able to see it & update you all with details! 

The down low 2nd day: http://youtu.be/Kaq_46CsjyM

A storm.

Launched PSSA..

My goal of making a life sailing. Has been so small under feed, and if it were anymore obvious my family might start freaking out.

Here's the skinny. I've not had a solid job since 2011. I've installed heartless job taking machines for 4years!. And not to profit from any of it. I've been pretty poor since I was young. I believe because I don't see any worth in paper money. Not a big politically active person. I chase the wind. The winds have rewarded me many times. I've been all I've been places no monitary poor person should Ever be many times over. how I've wished it was a boat.

So as I take this opportunity, and hold on with all the strength I have. I will get a boat, and be where I want to be.

Stay tuned to my new FB page Paper Sydney Sails Away and vlogs of how i'm doing with the quest to make my dreams come true.

Launched PSSA..

Wellington Regent Theater

A common night at the regent usually means kids laughing, people chitchatting randomly looking at the sponsors on the screen, patiently awaiting the movie.

A random popcorn fight takes hold bringing the high schoolers to a laugh, and some of the adults too. The promenade of people finding seats up near the old stage.

The last minute rush for treats, and refills before trailers start. Its a beautiful scene out of something seen in the days of the RatPack. All thats missing is the guys. The new projector goes dark, and the opening thanks for chosing the Regent Theater comes on, and the room lights dim.

A movie epic. Its a night for a sneek peek. Its rare in a small theater, but there it is. The cheers of the crowd as the movie opens.

Silence takes hold the mood grows intent. A few giggles as it starts.

Wellington Regent Theater

Books

The fact i've written a while book makes me feel a but at ease with what is going on still, but in all effort. I feel a failure when it comes to making the other side make sense. Two books are supposed to cross select the events  at the beginning. I feel pressed into a story that just pushes all the stress back in like it wasn't even the reason for the book. I blame myself for including foreign source material. I pulled a long dead string of dead aristocrat to fulfill a side plot, and unable to separate them I tried to cross the books together, but ended up pudding to much. More kidnapping?

I found so much wrong in context, and wording. I wondered if Susan Collins had written that part. I wish I could blame Booze, but there is none since the beginning of the year. No progress either.

The book keeps me from deciding to leave, and maybe I will make it tillI leave for the grand canyon.

4am and she's up again. These kids are messed up chemically. The book portrays them less screwed up.

I fear none of my anything makes any of their lives better. And the depression tries to swallow me again.

Books

A book

Hey can't believe that I written a book. 154 pages long
It is amazing. Not that i havent written a 500 page report for school. I definately am driven to write another angle of the same plot.

The first book is about someone getting away. The next will be about the place and people escaped from.

I feel self fullfillment about doing something this big with limited help from others. Maybe it was supposed to be now. I will get help editing this book & then publish for people to buy.

A book

Afraid of doctors

For the post year I've avoided my doctors, and tried not to make any appointments because of anxiety. Even walking out of an exam room.

Honestly, what the do they think I know that allows them to act like uncaring robots. What am I supposed to feel like when I don't meet a single person who can explain meds, and have compasion at least once in a 2 yr period.

I need meds, but I can suffer the anxiety to avoid seeing doctors that see me as a quick buck. A drug dealer might care more. But a knife to that organ could solve so much more..

I feel all this all the time. I wish I had a blog about all the fun, and experiences of sailing, but none for me. Just this drama.

Afraid of doctors

Outrageous

Free terry gilliam

Outrageous

I've been through a lot, but this is something that is oddly enough suspending my sense
and Only a few things cause my anxieties like that. I have had screaming, and huddled
moments, but I'm glad this wasn't that bad. I describe that kinda moment in the video
when I was working. I only hope this enables people to feel better.

My transition is their drug

Sooooo.. as everyone knows that's read this blog.. I have stalkers.. one is my Ex, and some others who don't know they're stalkers as much as they just stalk. 

I have been hard pressed to look through profiles, and messages  and risking letting some in, but what I know is!

Stalkers may give up when confronted, but then they come back, and start all over again. My Stalkers have a dyer need to know if I'm talking about them or about something they want to know. For example; anything about My transition is their DRUG. Them knowing my success or failures are creepy at the least. Facebook is now removing a direct Public Search block. This will bring me to their instant enjoyment. I've been noticing a few stalkers in the Facebook world circling friends, and trans persons. Dare I neglect the fact trans people in general are very searching. needing acceptance, and help, and community. the last being a joke. 

There'll always be stalkers, and while they exist. it's important they know they'll be known, and avoided when they cross the spectator line. I'm not a sports person or a celebrity, but where did the beginning of the mass option come.. I'm a person, and giving people sexual gratification or intellectual gratification. Nobody is a slave to others depraved needs.

I'm open to any thoughts on this, and open to updating my post with more insight.

My transition is their drug

A small, but reasonable life

I'm Envious.. Like none before this home, and it's defiance to waste, and shrugging of Micro-life brings me sad yearnings. Some I feel will never meet their conclusive ends.

Having been to Thoreau's Cabin's site, and read many words written by him. With many being driven by my own sadness I realize it may have been the simplest of things that kept him from walking too far into the snow, and holding a stone into the lake. 

A small, but reasonable life