Fighting, Tired and Sick

The world surrounding us is one of great detail, and minuscule relational care. While I feel there's always a reason to ignore the issues surrounding the people you don't care for, but I'm certain that Ignorance of feelings for those you do care for or even aspire to be related with can only mean contempt. I know that this sounds like a fantasy or some soap opera, but the world is as logical as it is illogical.

My mind can only come back to the grand delusion which is Wonderland. This of coarse being the reason for naming both my BLOG, and VLOG after such. I think if it was anything but an affirmation it was a blessing in the least, and a curse at most. My mind is not always happy about being trapped in a place that it can't and sometimes can try hard to fight to find the simplicity that is a certainty of life's values, and gains.

My trip to NY is looming around the corner, and Stephanie is still waiting for me to come visit her in OK. I'm trying to balance the whole of life, and keep my keel down. and masts up.

I'll have to say more later when I can get a better angle on things.

Perhaps I'll run into the Cheshire cat.

Fighting, Tired and Sick

Heart on my shoulder

Seems everytime I make a comptemplative effort to add Joy to the lives of wichitans' I find something as DUMB as I don't want to be part of the Solution.

This is why Downtown is a Mass of Uninhabited buildings. Wichita is a Wasteland of junk, and Anything anyone does to try to bring some civic enjoyment back to it beside worry about dead people or crime rates going up. It all gets Ignored. No wonder When people leave town they never come back.

Dead-ita.

A place where greed, and self sufficiency haven't heard of one another.This is why when I give a hoot for DO-DA I try as hard as I can, But Wichita Depresses me, and 75% of it's population. The other percentage is mixed in with crime greed, and the children who should get used to it or get out as soon as they can.

And I won't be referencing Supposed Civil outlets again. They would rather be a reporting agency rather than the Friend we all knew and Loved since their conception.

Thanks you Wichita. For the Headaches the Depression, and the heartaches of un-civil promise. You will never be dear to me. only your GHOST will be around to comfort the weary.

Dead as the Indians, and Wonderland's Roller coaster (soon to be Joyland)

Heart on my shoulder

Failings, and Aspirations

I wanted to share my failings, and Aspirations with you.

Started the day with the Expressed, and Planned importance of being at the Houston Holocaust Memorial for the T.D.O.R. event. I've found it's very important to respect your dead. Even though in my family it's always been a Shame to see something as sad as this event take place. Every time I've went to my Grandpa's grave I always asked Why? Why don't you have answers for me, and why is Gma such a JERK. I've since stopped going when my Gma passed. I've had very strong feminine characters in my life. I grew up asking why couldn't I know more about Amelia Erhart, and Others Like Rosie the Riviter? All for nothing. There's nothing to know beyond they had the gumption to force their ways into the mans world, and all I can come up with is Failure.

This Last bit aside. My failure to come up with a force to keep me going to the T.D.O.R. event. Brings me to utter frustration. The fact is I also turned down the chance to be comfortable, and with kinder people for thanksgiving. I know it's stupid but I have many reasons, and Sometimes These reasons are worth it. My sister is the reason I'm in Houston. The second reason is to be here for my nefew. Whom has not had nearly enough clarity about his mom, and dad. I think it's just my way to express the failures, and Misgivings of a parent long before thinking they're not foul-able. My parents kept theirs from us till after my older sister, and I had left. I think it's a Failure that could have prevented so-many hardships.

I have been interested in Aly for some time now, and I don't mean to throw her for such loops, but I think she's werth letting know that it's not easy to be me. I'm not simple, and She's gotta know that from prior issues, and history I've told her. I think for someone whom doesn't have a extra Pole and hook in the water she's pretty stable, and Very kind for a NewYorker. I have met a few in my time, and it's typically just barely standable. (i speak of in person) I've met quite a few people online that are that nice aswell.

I've been wanting to live in the Gulf coast since the beginning of this year, and i don't know if i'd mind changing it to NY, but I think it's just a Matter of convinence. I'm sure with the economy, and the lack of jobs the future is something to be met with Stern Seriousness. I want to transittion sometime before I'm some Dumb Gatekeepin' B.s.-ER.

As for thanksgiving the only thing i'm looking forward to without fear is my sister's New recipe for Stuffing. I'm deathly afraid of bad stuffing. I usually spit it out, and Hope to be Plesantly suprised. I am going to not be girly despite the fact this wil be the second year I've been seen as a MAN to people in my family. I'm feeling down about it. I choose this though. Because of my family. Hear that? yeah I mean you.. (the family readin this thing.)

I'm going to keep on being me, and try not to let my voice work back out to it's clearly feminine tone. It's been happening all this week.

I believe I'm going t start working of stories of trans people in basic situations. not just me and my family though you will be seeing some from thanksgiving.. I don't think I could Live through this T-day without my Drawing pad.

Plz Reply

Failings, and Aspirations

A Day of Rememberence

Like many other days the transgender day of rememberence is one that is only dwarfed by my own personal feelings. I've always Considered it quite different than others have. My view on death is good-riddense for those I don't like, and Congratulations and celebrations.

I'm just happy that those in such pain and anguish have escaped it.

I wish it wasn't so easy to discriminate, but it is. All we can do is remember to fight till we're on that list, or until we're equal.

http://www.hmh.org/EventDescription.aspx?ID=397

A Day of Rememberence

Personal Problems

So.., Many things cause issues in my life, and one of the worst is Love. A constant wish, and disgust of the feeling, and sometimes just the word triggering it. I wish it were simpler. I want to be loved, and for that person to be that solve I need, but It'd be dumb of me to consider that with all that people know and love that such a person existing one this planet is a far off cry to finding out what'll really be certain. I'm afraid. all the feelings. Love is only 2nd to Friendship. I believe in it. I have very few ideals of what really certifies it, and most of the time those signs can seem like Love is the reason they are there. Love in friendship, or love in lust, and I get confused in that as much as I get confused in noticing people flirting. Unless it's so Blatant. I can't seem to tell when it's happening. I wish I was Shoveling Snow. I wish My body could just Lye in the snow, and relax. If only I had the gusto to pursue the actions to get me there.

Personal Problems

Re-Open Our Dreams, Joyland

Many Many Years have gone by and a Season has turned into a decade. Joyland our pride, and Joy. Our stern commitment to ourselves stands as resolute as Century II downtown. It's owners the Nelsons have tried hard to keep it land, and icons of our past standing, and in hallowed hopes that someday the means will come to revive our sleeping friend. Screams, and Cheers rattling through the neighborhoods that house the people whom just hold on. The productive means still aimed at the most Un-imaginative schemes and Build things that tighten the hopes around our dreams.

Nobody can tell us what we need, But I know that there are ways to keep people from spending 4hrs going to KC or OKC in search of amusements. Re-Open Joyland!

It's not just upto the Nelsons. It's upto the Hearts and Minds of Wichita Kansas.

I'd beg. Wouldn't you. Chime in, Logon, and just call those whom really have the Voice. Call city hall. Call Kake, Ksn, and Kwch! Tell them what you want to do next Spring. Say it with me.

"I Want To Goto Joyland."

I'll post the Feeds, and Numbers Below. all you have to do it pickup the phone, Click the Link or just speak to everyone you get the chance to. Say I miss Joyland, and We should Do something about it. Re-Open for The Service Men, and Women! So they Know what they've been fighting for.

Re-Open Our Dreams, Joyland

Pinkisl33t #2

I'd Love to be Uploading my Comic to the site right now, but there's something HUGE in my way. called archieve Instability. I can't find the Originals. I can't believe My family's filled an ENTIRE 500GIG drive. It amazes me. I can't understand unless there's TONS of Large Duplicates...

(SISTERS)

I guess it's unheard of from people whom think that they can Print them out and delete the rest. MY GAWDS! I caught my sister deleting her entire MyPictures folder before any of the pictures could be seen by the family. I went back in and restored them.. *I wiped my forehead on that-one*

I can't believe the Imaculate stupidity my family alows to happen in this family.

the Long-range ones are even worse. Instead of letting us know when she needs something to send us the copies of something she just leaves the pictures on her camera for 2 years while I'm out in NH... Yeah Way to go! I ended up getting thier PAWN-SPECIAL from mom having went down there and saw it lying around or what-not. There's soo much disfuction I am starting to realize what stupidity this world is all about.

Anyways, back to the comic. I've been thinking what the best way to host them is. There is none. I'm just going to post them here and Hope things don't get messy. I wanted you all to know I'm not just "SAYING" that there's comics and show you some sketches.. I have 3 comics. Adura, Pinkisl33t, and a guest comic called. "The Eight" it's a Comic written, and penciled by Steve Requin. He was So nice to chit-chat with on his forum.

There were issues with The Inker. I can't remember her name at the moment. She got really popular, and she couldn't work on it anymore. I'll probley revise this post when I get more definate Info, but I've gotta link his forums, and stuff sometime.

anyways.. Soon to be Posted.. Comics..

Steve's Blog - http://encycloplagiat.blogspot.com/ -(french/canadian)

Pinkisl33t #2

Spooky Bloom

The Alice shoot was taken in 2005. during a really dry year.

My commentary about WSU, and Kansas support for Trans People.

Set can be found at www.flickr.com

Spooky Bloom

wavey depressive gravy

Today I did alot.

ALOT

Believe me. I don't know how it all fit in one day.

I played Cafe world, Secondlife, house, emo gurl, photographer, Music blast, and or coarse I did research.

the research of the day was about transition regret. I heard back-way-when that there was trans people who'd found out or were so confused in their G.I.D. that they pursued going back to their born gender after transition. It's like they say "It's not the Goal. It's the Journey? " I'd have to say It is the Journey, but they don't know that. They're just confused. And G.I.D. isn't always something to solve with a wave of a magic Scalpel. Yes I'm saying For some of us Trans People there's NO GOAL AT ALL. just the journey. it's the road with no end. The long,and lonely road ahead. I myself find that the Goal may be the mirage. I'm humbled by the majority of people who think they can be so sure when they're looking upto Gate-Keepers, and aiming the beliefs at uncertain life decisions. We're not crazy for wanting out ends. We're just the Un-mapped masses. We're just getting a handle on the Gays, and Lesbians. You think you know these things Nemo, but you Don't! Lines from my Mother that speak in a playful sense of reality lerking up on you, and .. .. .. You don't see it coming. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get mine. Perhaps I'll be attacked in a Walmart.. (Yay the first trans gurl to be beated clueless at a Walmart.) Any-how. You all love it when I say nothing at all, and It seems to be the Cost of writing this. Your suffering of the extended time I'm awake.

Well With that I'll leave the Pictures for tomorrow.. Yes I have More Pics. In SL, and of myself..

wavey depressive gravy

Sooo Much to say About SL

Well as anyone who has me on a msgr Knows I'm a SL player. I like it cause it makes it seem like i'm going out. But sometimes reality bites back hard, and I don't get back-on for a while.

Yesterday was a great night/morning, and met a bunch of great people. I've got some Pics of the Pritties, and the Handsomes'.

Above is Rode. She's a Great gal. Very outgoing, and I think she could do with some company or the casual goto the mall kind. The group is certainly filled with what nobody would say simple people. I'd have to say I'm one of them kinds.

I have some sad news though. Poor Faith has been thrown to the trash pile again. This time by her Bias Uncle. Seems he didn't give her any warning,

and invited her to a group which then he

promptly ejected her, and Paper from. It's kina hard to keep friends through relationships that attack people like her now Ex-Uncle. Funny that he wouldn't have just said it., But then again Thus is the Secondlife Motto. "Be You, be Screwed, be Nice or the Lindens will ban you."

The one gal I think i'd love to know more about is Rena. She's Very simple, and Defnately a Ying to my yang. I like meeting nice people. Give me a feeling like i don't belong like Faith.. On my back in the trash.

Well that last statement sent me for a down turn. I'll have to watch out for those implied emotional bursts. In any account. He's Rena in all her Beautiful skin colorfulness.

Isn't she Beautiful in her scarlet gown, and gold chains? I think if i'd ever had to be stuck on any alien planet I'd not mind hers.

In personal news I found some old cards from my ex, and in them she says how she loves me, and then i read the top of one, and it says. Bre. Bre is her Exx, and I've spoken with him. He's certainly not trans. he's more of a Con dresser. He knows he looks cute at con's so he doesn't dress except at cons. I'd have to

say it rushes back a Ton of unwanted thoughts. Thoughts like How precisely it is that the words were darn near the same ones she'd said to me when we broke up. Giving Props to my theory of scripted Fake life. Companions on demand, and a whole slew of drama's I won't get started.

So. Back to someone Who does love me. Despite being soo busy Rene =P.

She's always Been there for me. Emotionally, and the rare intimate. She's her own woman. I'm very happy with us.

That's it for this time. More SL to come, and More personal and professional for you..

Sydney~

Sooo Much to say About SL

Virgle - Sydney In Space.

Many reasons come to mind when I watched the video for Virgle. I've found myself Thinking about mars Alot at times. I'm not really making any forth-coming progress here on earth, and I feel if i wasn't part of the rat-race things wouldn't revolve around the looks, and feelings as much, and forgiveness is much easier to obtain when your busy working. Plan B as some would say it. Mars is the Exciting new possibility. Nothing like this has been done before, and it's about time someone put their life on the line. Not to get shot or aim to be killed or Kill, but to expand the true reign of humanity. Not as some Viral prolificication, but to see what there is to do. To explore. To move on past these typical mundane thoughts of life that loop back against themselves.

I hope there's some hope for my post-dated Entry.

Virgle - Sydney In Space.

Finding Some Experience

I'm always looking at other's works. Not because I want them or want to duplicate them, But because they've had experiences I've never had, and Never will have. Joel Meyerowitz Has been through alot of life, and seen so many things. He knows the fuctions and art that is Camera Work. Not something that is to be taken lighty. I am not an understudy. His work will never be my favorite. As much as i Admire what his work shows He's an Inspiration to me. Knowing that I've had My share of Inspiring people. Bob, One of my friends from New England. Showed me many things I couldn't have read in the books. He taught me that While Taking many shots with huge memory, it's not always the amount that guarantees the shot, but the skill, and the Variation between. I doubt if you asked him he'd say he taught me anything. I know it's a Hard struggle through life, and I may never make a friendship like that again. As for Joel Meyerowitz You can judge for yourself. www.joelmeyerowitz.com

Don't forget to Remember to share your Inspirations. They may inspire more people than you. Even if they're second hand.

Finding Some Experience

Comics #003

Something I drew with the Intent to frame it.

My drawing skills are very nice.

When I can get them to come out.

Comics #003

Comics #002

So this one's Brought to you by my sister. She's always telling me that something'll do something or if i'd just get off my butt, and do something, but when I do. There's always a NO answer. Especially when I talk to anyone ahead of time. It makes me feel really bad when I've gotten a No, and have to sit around watching the time I was supposed to be doing something fade into a blank day or hour. same goes with food. As pictured int he comic. I've heard my sister preach on her soap-box, and then get down, and buy the food she said was evil. Or that food that'd rott your face. Or as she puts it. "That stuff's Poison"

Comics #002

Comics

Here's something that was told to me. About myself.

I'm not naming names, but I also know I can't be sure of it's certainty.

Despite believing it.

Comics

Getting ALONG

Soo many people are fighting, and soo many people are in pain because nobody's listening. So many people have made it their lives to make others happy, and there's not accountability. The topic of today is Getting Along.

For years, and possibly Decades My life's been oriented around making others smile.

My life before my 20's were filled with making use of my good nature, and trying to get everyone in harmony. I think it's futile, and yet I'm made that way. I can't help my good nature. I think it'd take something like my Love killing my entire family in-front of me to change me.

I'm going to tell you what i used to do for fun.

I'd invite people from school to my house and buy soda, and sugar, and chipps, and always be happy to help everyone to a few movies and we'd jump on the trampoline, and swim in the pool, and we'd get along watching movies, working on a car, and trying to be the friends friends would want to have.

Somewhere in the middle it all was preverted

I think it's cause they never knew me at all.

on the other hand I could just be blind to it. Such is the case when being hit-on.

I've had people hate me after saying things that seemed like something basic, and years later now. I've found it could have been a Flirt or a pathetic one. I'm certainly conserned as to the fact I would have figured out I was Trans at somepoint. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

I could have been happy with some people, but they were very confusing to me. I really sometimes think it's better to be alone than try to figure out the drama that is being saught.

And many a time I've gotten the offer to help mistaken with the offer to fornicate. I've never made an action in the fear of being burnt, but usually i'm turning down offers for fear they've got ulterior motives .You can think of it as fear of advancing, but It's kept me for the most part in agony, and physically safe from assault, and learning the greater lessons in life.

Next postings will be a few Comics.

Getting ALONG

Working on Farms

Yep. I've been workin till the cows come home and the chickens crow in the morning.. I'm not very happy about how things are right now., but know i've got to move my butt to change any of it. SO. look forward to speratic updates. as much as i Can. stories, and art alike.

Working on Farms

Blogger taking over Pinkisl33t.com

Blogger taking over Pinkisl33t.com

The new wind in my sails

Started working on these projects. You see there's soo many things to distract me. People's problems. My own worthless feelings, and the constant nagging thought that those i feel are good friends just want to bang me. I have such great project ideas. Now I'm going to draw them and write about them. Speaking of my space. I saved my site once again.. i've got to find some money to keep the hosting current. I will not have to worry about the sites going away. Kittimedia.com will not become a Pron Site... I think i'd rather sell it to a friend or to PETA.. it'd be better used that way..

The wind generator ideas have been being blocked by my in frequent want for someone else to be into it withme. I Want others to be in on this project, but i'm looking at it the wrong way. I know I am cause I've been here many times before with multitudes of other projects. Films, photography, and even just SEX.. yeah.. I have wanted some good sex... Can't I just not have a crying horrified feeling when having sex? for once..

I even regret dry humping this one person..

If i could only get my mind over this Curbstop.

The new wind in my sails

Paz (National Mall, Washington, DC)

Paz (National Mall, Washington, DC)
Originally uploaded by takomabibelot

My friend is named Pazooki, and she'd probley get a hoot outta this..

Paz (National Mall, Washington, DC)

Your Light Switch Is Your Vote by Shepard Fairey

Your Light Switch Is Your Vote by Shepard Fairey
Originally uploaded by Earth Hour Global

I believe in this...

Your Light Switch Is Your Vote by Shepard Fairey

WIll

Willsedit
Originally uploaded by paper_sydney

I know sometimes in life our friends depart, and many friends stay and get the worst of times from you, But someone that al i do with is shay hi about 3 times a year with sent me this photo. I really wish i could pursue him. I think things wouldn't be easy but. Love is a valient thing. I don't know it's true end. I wish i did..

Will you're Cute , Hot, and you make a Great Priest!

Sydney+

p.s. It was Wills' Lovely Cousin whom made this beautiful edit.

WIll

gown_effects 025P

gown_effects 025P
Originally uploaded by paper_sydney

So many feelings.. I have fights daily. i don't know if i will make it. But i must try. The feelings that Dani&Dani won't try to screw me over or up makes me feel better about the risk. I think when someone can't make a solid decision and at least not Raz you about the context they have denied you. They are worse than enemies . At least they guy who raped me was honest with himself. he wanted to have something, and nothing could stop him. I feel worse than dirty. I feel i've been designed to be dirty. HOW DARE THEY!!!!?

Forget about the fact you try to buy your daughters sence back. forget that this is the only place i could go. forget that it makes no sence we waited till things broke to even substantiate my conserns for repairs. In 8 years you've let your barn break, your finances bust, your family have hard times, and you're a prude about so-many things it'd make a catholic say hey! i think it's enough.

I love you mom, dad, but you make me suffer for your ill will.

gown_effects 025P

Graphitti IV

Graphitti IV
Originally uploaded by stinkiepinkie_1979

Some lovely woman in mind. Many a kind thought went into work i don't even have the will to produce. My family cripples me. and thinks it'll work. I'm not as stiff as horrible people we deal with on a day to day basis. I on the other hand have not spoken to anyone outside this house in 2 weeks. this is getting to me. Why can't i just get myself to the decision to leave. to go back to Boston.

A beautiful lady for a beautiful hope.

Graphitti IV

If it wasn't so hard I wouldn't feel like this.

Graphitti
Originally uploaded by Unh@ppyb@st@rd

Very obvious words. Though all you need to do is be in my family to know it's all sufferance. I see myself quite honestly infront of that train ... I sometimes wish it'd been my end.. being run over by a subway train... at least there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to get back to Boston.

If it wasn't so hard I wouldn't feel like this.

pain, death, and humanity as a rock

You'd think dreaming about death would insight some goth phase or need for help i was intending to seek help but as in all things intent doesn't enact a task under-way many people don't get help. I one of them set alone in the wasteland of our world. humanity the equivalent to rocks dotting the landscape. I can see my fight is not one with the people but with myself to not become a rock or more insignificant a pebble We all have our inner battles it seems that the freedom of mind over task is dragging us away from success. we wont win with this as the rocks we are. art is alive and music primed but all of my dreams are filled with dying. from the fight to the night my dreams are all unhelpful and undeserving. my hopes a very light moss on the ground being trampled. i owe myself the end;

the end of this blog entry

P.s. i am continuing to seek help.

pain, death, and humanity as a rock

A Johnathan I'll never meet

I HAVE THIS FEAR THAT IF I MEET SOMEONE I LIKE FROM TV . THAT THEY WILL DIE OR BE UNPOPULAR. THINGS ARE UNFOUNDED DON'T RULE MY WORLD, BUT MY WORLD NEEDS A BIT MORE DIVERSITY. THE THING ABOUT ME MEETING ALLOT OF GOVERNMENT PEOPLE IS KINDA TRUE. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHOM I AM SINCE; AS ALICE SAID IN "THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS".

~WHOM I AM I CAN NOT SAY FER YOU SEE I'VE CHANGED SO-MANY TIMES SINCE THIS MORNING.~

I AM EVER CHANGING, AND AT THE SAME TIME I'VE NEVER STOPPED BEING ME. SENSITIVE, IDEALISTIC, HAPPY, SMILING, DESTRUCTIVE, FREE, TRAPPED, DEPRESSED, METAPHORICAL ME.

"THINGS WILL CHANGE BUT NEVER I SAID THE ROCK. "

ALAS THE ROCK WAS WRONG. WEATHERING AND SONICS MULTIPLE MILLIONS OF THINGS WE MAKE NOT SO IMPORTANT CHIP MR. ROCK INTO THE DUST HE WILL BECOME SOME DAY. MANY OF MY FRIENDS NEVER REALIZED WHILE THEY CHANGE THEMSELVES THEY'RE STILL GOING TO BE THEM. WHATEVER NAME THEY USE: WHATEVER ADDITUDE THEY PORTRAY OR COMPANY THEY KEEP.

A Johnathan I'll never meet

a start none the less

I know i've had blogs before and never showed much interest in showing anyone anything special in them. I never had anything to fill them with. well NOW I do.

a start none the less