A View from Inside Wonderland

Dirty Life.

2011-11-22T18:01:00.003-06:00

The thoughts had smashed through my mind many times.

To kill my most hateful disfiguring issue.

I've spent four years fighting to keep myself from jumping off a bridge or cutting my wrists, and or overdosing on medications. all of which shy of jumping off the bridge I've done.

Does it make a difference to the person who caused the trauma?
Does she tell the people that give her such power to be around, and publicly elevated. while her ex muse. The Star of her puppet show(http://www.chaotickiss.com/). Suffering in the trauma of being strangled at her hands, and made to suffer under indifference.

I still like so-many others wonder why this all happened.

I have a hard time getting past it all.

mean while back in New England.. She's told everyone I never existed, and she made the name up herself, and told me since I wasn't born Sydney Bloom she has all the rights to steal that bubbly happy spirit of mine, and make it love a idealized version of her Lesbian self. All while she's lying to transgender Ladies, and making a mockery of the enjoyment of her cooshie life at her mom's house. She'll never move past her free-ride to make an equitable life with her own rules, and responsibilities.

As for me. I'll keep trying to get my face out of the forgotten mud, and perhaps someday may even sue for my name to be off her mockery of a comic that without my likeness would fail.

LAWFULLY,
Sydney

p.s. all responses to my post by her will be made public.

Sydney's Fieldcall - 05 - Irene the Gay Opera

2011-08-27T17:11:00.000-05:00

I missed calling some friends, and Hope they'll be okay. The Pastor guys all blame the Irene on gay's just like every icecream cone that falls on the ground at Disney. Also tried not to sound like I was advertizing for AngryBirds.. I think I'll install it on my GF's Laptop!

Sydney's Fieldcall - 04 - Banana fone..

2011-08-22T18:26:00.000-05:00

Spending way too many days being entertained by the net, and found myself under a no-more content umbrella... where's the next wave.. I need to catch it!

Nothing can stop hate..

2011-08-20T18:22:00.000-05:00

I've found hate in those who are hated.

S2 : E4 Rocky Road Hrt

2011-08-15T02:03:00.000-05:00

My Support is probley as good as it gets in Kansas. unless I lived near a Gender Center.. LOL I'm soo Far away from Laurence,KS. Support in Wichita has always been a JOKE. like the Joke that's ment to hurt. Feel it burn you mis-guided care despensories!!

I've also got two job interviews lines up. one for the morning and one the 23rd. I feel a better chance at these since I worked hard to make them notice me...

Getting out of the house (Fireworks!)

2011-07-07T00:17:00.004-05:00

I've been quite a shut-in since getting back from Washington. Things haven't been the best, and fearing the worst has brought my depression back.

Despite this. I've been trying to pursue a Tiny home Project, and also get the will together to start painting again. Painting has always allowed the long term feelings to merge with what i don't often get deep enough to vent or even when I have a Breakdown. the world just seems so-messed-up. I'm also a Rational person, and see what really holds me back. Too-little jobs, and a Government that won't do the hard decisive choice, and shut down global economics. Exports are lover than Imports, and there's no way to snap a bubble around the failure to understand that. The point is. I'm about as likely to find work as a Mexican at home depot as a Mexican these days.

I've not just given up either, but I also haven't put all my eggs in one basket. I'm seeing some options, and keeping them in mind as a walk forward day by day. one foot at a time.

The first time I've really been out since May is this 4th of July. I decided to goto my nieces' B-day party, and watch the town's fireworks afterward. the outcome was a nice time, and also captured some video on my cell-cam.
--

--

--
Thanks for staying on my Following lists. I appreciate your Loyalty.

Back from The Oregon Trail

2011-06-04T14:16:00.003-05:00

The Trip started in southern Kansas and made it's way to Salina where alot of settlers transversed through the Oregon Trail. We zigged, and Zagged. the mountains the landscape. Through Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington States. The Scenery is second to none I've seen in my 30yrs. I've seem Indians, and Mountains Trains, Planes, and Automobiles. The Trip never seemed to stop.

I would Recommend taking the trip yourself. Do remember that part of the fun is sleeping in your vehicle. Oregon will make you love the world, and Utah will make you wonder if you can get anything from a convieniece store. Wyoming like Kansas is few, and far between while Washington state will just be around the bend.

The Organic Sister

2011-03-09T11:37:00.001-06:00

TheOrganicSister is a site developed by Tara Wagner, and Her Focus is on anything helpful to nature, and Practical living.

I've been doing a Whole "Tiny home" search, and aligned with Tiny House Living or was it Tiny House Design. I've found some of her words Happily helpful, and The Spirit is something I see myself having while Pursuing my next projects.

Some Artshow - Winfield's Art in the park (Island Park)

2011-01-31T12:48:00.003-06:00

So many times I’ve seen others Setup, and show their wares, and All I could do is admire them. In 2009 I decided to releave some anxiety, and show my own works to the world. It was very short, and I felt it wasn’t enough, but I can say It was very good to feel like Someone besides my family had seen something. I don’t know much of the people whom go to these art shows, and I wouldn’t want to see them work to their product. I would rather see what best could be, and Not worry about being di-ceated for the means of winning a prize.

I Decided to paint a little to avoid the odd questions, and anxiety surrounding me in this time, and was painting furiously.. I painted, and painted, and what happened next was I heard Breathing. A LOT of Breathing. Nobody was behind the crowd that’d gathered to immortalize it on film, but there they children, and young teens all staring on. They were staring, and when they noticed I had stopped Like chickens without the feed being thrown at them took a second gathered their thoughts and Scurried out..

I Decided to paint a little to avoid the odd questions, and anxiety surrounding me in this time, and was painting furiously.. I paintined, and painted, and what happened next was I heard Breathing. A LOT of Breathing. Nobody was behind the crowd that’d gathered to immortalize it on film, but there they children, and young teens all staring on. They were staring, and when they noticed I had stopped Like chickens without the feed being thrown at them took a second gathered their thoughts and Scurried out..

I think If I do this again this year I’ll try to bring more than Photographs. Perhaps I’ll bring some motion Projects, and alot more things to hang what I make on hand (screen is not sturdy enough to hang paintings from.)

Sydney

Wellington Ks

2011-01-25T18:20:00.005-06:00

As I'm sure everyone should have guessed by now I've got a town near me by the name of Wellington, and Of coarse there's a few places named the same, and it's not so-big, but It's not supposed to be.

Wellington was just passed over for a Casino. It'd have brought the commerce to a town rather than the county alone, and many have been behind, and angry at what they decided to do. They chose the far end of the county to setup the casino in, and it's probley going to fall through. No infrastucture, no power, and no work-force. So many stupid mistakes happen in kansas. I won't beguin with the thought to putting a sewage plant up on a hill, but I felt that needed to be said. Many people believe in this town, and I think it's got wonderful personality, and the buildings in downtown deserve to be seen as they are. the Commerce hub of the town. I've seen theathers close, and now reopen beautiful as new, and Buildings restored better than the 3yrs left in the weather. There's support, and they're suffering, and we all know there's some issues with a round-about coming up. But truely we all will find a beautiful way to keep Wellington a Wheat Mecha. where Trains Planes, Car's, and Trucks can live in harmony with the humans propelling them. The hard work of the few will always pay-off it's always going to be there in Wellington.

We'll see your joke, and laugh, and fire one back a time or two, but it will us whose laughing when you say Wellington is nothing. We'll see you expire or reword yourself in due time.

The Media for wellington isn't very good, but the grape vine fixes that, and makes it what it should be. a hopeful reminder that we've not seen the end, and never seen the middle. We'll fix our roads, and save our Memories as we can, and for reasons yet heard or seen.

Rural Kansas has what Urban Kansas will never remember. Mild Wild Pride.

Please Visit the new theater, and have a drink at Barefoot's. Braums is on the west side of the tracks, and A&W on the north side of 160 on 81Hwy. The community doesn't need a thank you as much as you need to see it. Art Festivals coming up soon, and Wheatfest in summer.

Waste, and Pain

2011-01-25T18:09:00.004-06:00

The Most harmful things are all around us.

Our Neighbors !

So many people, and so little space. I do believe I can Look at the Rockefellers, and say I don't get why you can't be more inventive than Killing millions of people to stop the ravaged earth situation. Yes, We're doing so much less, and Yes we're half stupid while doing our daily non-productive stint, But what can anyone do when there's no chance to remove the footprints your 10X Great grand parents have done? Look at the oldest cities, and think. where is all their trash, and destructive footprints?

Nobody can be moved to do anything without some sort of win for them. something that makes materialism, and the basic needs happy, and socialization is a good percentage of the population's healthy needs. I, and I'm sure a few others have come to the mind set that there's not going to be anything for us if we don't look at the reality, and then look at the recyclism second.

Anything we can do to keep the process of life going, and that means keeping our Diverse culture alive as well.

Don't forget Recycling will one day be the Industrial trade of tomorrow.

New Project, and Revisiting an Older one.

2011-01-04T03:09:00.005-06:00

As I'm not to bore you with the Constant issues of a Cluster Gone Terribley wrong. I wanted to share with you Primarily my New Project which is Small shorts, and The first one is Based on the TG topics, and How the events play-out for one trans person after a night out.

I'll have stills up soon, but it's not the only thought in my head.

Another is based on how a midnight Vlogger finds the news isn't always what she's reporting.

I have been wokring on some Wind Related Projects aswell. Art has no bounds, and wind is one of those things that continues to power my love of music, and science.

Waking to a New Sun Rising

2010-11-04T01:39:00.006-05:00

It's Like a new sun rising every time things start looking up. Like a Whole new Ball of hydrogen is burning just to brighten the world just to fix anyone's

My mother while listening to her Cohen, and surfing a few sites ran across this cover by Antony & the Johnsons.

Antony is a Self described Transgender Gay. There's so many people confused in the U.S. that it's just easier to dismiss it, and enjoy the Very wonderful music sung by Antony, and played by the Johnsons. I recommend it aswell, and Hope that someday we understand that the differences about people are what make us wonderful, and not crazy.

I've linked Antony's site below.

Antony & the Johnsons

They've also played with Bjork. I've always loved her music.

Second Life, The only life I seem to have at times

2010-10-24T23:16:00.007-05:00

It's always nice to escape into another world.

A land where you have a few caring souls.

Mine is shared with a family where I'm not just a Fixture. I'm the kitty.

"Rene: my love

Rene: i miss u greatly

Rene: love u greatly baby"

I don't take it like a hit off a cigarette.

I accept it with as much heart as possible for that moment. I go missing Like the cat I am. I know I can't be there all the time, and so does my loved ones.

I'm always on the lookout for how to run my own server of SL like operations. I know I'd keep it safe, and only have those who love, and need some place to be free within my means to create, and save their hearts from the vast, and diverse masses of the ever so shrinking freedom of the net.

Wheat Faerie (Draft)

2010-10-23T10:51:00.006-05:00

The story starts like any other. With a tragedy. The long hard earned success of the midwest's wheat barrons has come to a close. having less and less people from the area harvesting, and a crippling town influx of sales. Wheat barrons seemed to have went the way of the greek gods.

Our story's happier side stems from this overwhelming down turn. The once small dream of two people has come to find itself in a stalling economy. The return of their son to the old farm brings new life to what would almost be a generic drama. Traveling through lands far, and wide the son had a few trinkets. Marbles from Italy, wine from France, Seeds from India, and many other things from many other countries. The only thing is He doesn't know what he has. A small rock he'd found in Ireland was not just some rock with a hole in it.

Many decades back. When magic, and mystical creatures roamed the lands the fae world was dwindling. It's unsure that any if at all died. The world just didn't allow the effects of the enchanted world to shine directly on the world that is today. The stone was one of many ways to bring a Fae into the world. For many reasons the origin of this stone is clouded from us, and some silly traveler with a collection of what-not's has ended up with this stone, and as he unpacks his boxes into his family's home he grabs the Irish stone, and sits it up on a small shelf in his farm house room.

Yes, things grow, and not many crops can be grown without many new nutrients being shoveled, spaded, and disced into the land. The Wheat Barron's would have controlled the nutrients, and kept the crops balanced. Insuring the plentiful harvest, and the celebrations that'd follow.

Newspaper reads, "Wheat Barron's " Editorial columns are all the rage this time of year. the gossip, and scandals of harvesters, and people looking for the work so much they harvest someone's field early. Columnist John Franco says. "Greed has replaced the neglect of the Barron's that held our hands so long ago. Greed brought us larger machines, and left thousands jobless, and once proud farmers have resorted to harvesting prematurely to avoid the random onset of crop theft.

Grateful I am.

2010-10-10T16:30:00.003-05:00

I was thinking the last thing to do before I can't is post alot of these thoughts into this blog. I'm not certain if I will be keeping up on this site, and Pinkisl33t has been my web home since I worked back in 04'

Time has only warned me about the darkness of being away from the company of others.

I'm greatful for the company of Kate, and her very unique drama. Yes she Catches on fire, and the Birds flap around the room in a multi-orbital pattern..

2010-09-29T10:52:00.003-05:00

Some times ....

I've just got to say I miss the ability to work for money,

so many new feelings. I'm curious why so many people think love is a self decided event.

Love is to me, and many other logical, and reason oriented persons. Starts at a whim, and could spawn after a large struggle. My love isn't something that can be bought. I've long known this, and endeavored to make relationships, and not worry about love. It's cat like nature can be distracting, and so can it's demonic side that makes you lie to yourself to make a pseudo love that only You feel.

As many gay, straight, and neutral people I know get trapped by a facet of this provocation.

Love isn't ment to be caught. It's ment to land on you like an Invisable bird.

Todays Failures

2010-07-18T00:05:00.006-05:00

I'm no Mentor

Those words came streaming to me when I realized all those people I thought I'd changed their lives, and some think the same thing. I'm nothing if not honest. When I find out things about myself they get chiseled out into my skull, and it's like tattoos. Like words on my skin. like deformations in my physical form. I know I've not changed any

thing in those lives. I've done nothing. All I can say I've done is inspire to create. It's a dirty word these days. Creating!

Creating a spill that's horrible,

Creating life which will suffer for your inadequacies,

Creating new space for prisoners,

Creating new jobs,

Creating a party of people whom just want to make people suffer.

I've thought about being the less creative mind in my age, and sporting the shot that'll ring red into the face of haters, and all I can say is. I don't want to.

Haters never learn, and cheaters prosper for a while at least.

I'm certainly been cursed with the inability plague. I have more but this isn't the time for self loathing.. just some reflections on who I am.

I'm an Inspiration

Movement.

2010-06-21T12:07:00.002-05:00

Today is going to be a Movement. I doubt anyone follows me on that thought, but If I were you I'd just sit back, and say "Bring me more of what she's having." I've been feeling infused with some intelectual thought, and it's going to be put to work today with finding a place to move out to. Not that I'll succeed, but I like the thought of having a studio for my nw VLOGS, and the newer photos I'm planning..

Well all for now. Will Update Post Day..

updating the world of smarts.

2010-06-12T20:52:00.005-05:00

With the BP spill, Terrorism, and life as we know it facing crisis ever day. I go back to the old unheard statement I was taught by who knows whom. Take it easy, and focus on the things you can do to see to your survival.

This year I've really struggled

with that thought, and come through the bad weather, and emotional hardships with 3 tomato plants, and some carrots. Hopefully Halloween will be a happy time for the world around, and perhaps I'll be able to sell some pumpkins. I know this all seems like I've become some sorted bag of nuts, but I must say. The world is equally as fruity. I need something to do, and because all those jobs

I've applied for have seen fit to lawfully discriminate or just basically run outta jobs to fill, and forgetting to tell me I'm not one of the lucky ones. I'm doing this.

Himegi castle, Japan

My vlogs will be coming back up soon, and hopefully so will my optimism. As many people whom know about me hear. I've got some heart, and a lotta brains, and yet can't seem to put the both together long enough to come out ahead. I've got alot of people whom when they say something for me to do. They say somethings like these ; "why don't you move out?", "why don't you come live here?", "go get a job, and you'll be able to move out.", "can't you just file for unemployment?", find a Sugar Daddy/Mommy!", "go get some 420.", "you need to be on meds.". All that aside I've no job to claim unemployment from, and there's no gas station with in 8 miles let alone anything resembling work that's not taken by those people called "FARMERS". I know if I moved out I'd have to pay for a place or maybe even live on the streets at least a few weeks. maybe a month+, Or that Infamous one. If I wanted to I couldn't even do that. I know it's easy to freebase, and It's really easy to hang over people's houses, but when you don't know anyone around the area, and if I should ever get one to come out here that'd probley never happen. dealers aren't pizza delivery out in the Boonies. Get some sense can call me in the morning..

I hope to be posting on youtube soon.

NOT Pinkisl33t

2010-03-25T01:50:00.004-05:00

The thought just rang through my head.

Did I just post a big infoburst saying Pinkisl33t, and the View from Inside Wonderland is closing?

I'm not shutting down Pinkisl33t, and Not the Blog. So.. no need to fear.

Wonderland Has Closed

2010-03-23T03:17:00.006-05:00

I for years have run my transition VLOG. It's been less, and less posted on. I even had my brother in law call me a freak on it last year. Despite how I should be posting to throw it back in his face. I really have nothing to post. My transition has stalled, and I doubt my transition will be further than It has gone. I'm very put down by the government being as much of failures as I myself. I feel they should be in their Parents' home thinking about how they could have stopped this from happening like myself over the past 2 years.

I doubt my life is going to guide me back to a life Vlog, and as such I decided to shut it down.

I've had a few comments in private about how I should possibly make a comment VLOG or something of critic videos of places, and people. I think If I were to do that I'd want to do it while doing things in my life. I have thought many times over the years about leaving and just winging it, and when all falls apart just hitching my way back to this little room in the middle of the dead ocean, and stew about the failure I am all Over again.

I think I'll goto Florida.

I would go west, but I'm not Horatio Alger. I also am nothing like Allen Ginsburg though I've admired his workings as such. I know that there's music, and culture in the sun, and Perhaps Some beach will be waiting there to Knock some sense into me. I think It should be one with Black hair from a Far west state, and tell me I'm a Dumb-ass for writing such a Ridiculous Blog.

So if you wish please watch my Last YouTube VLOG

Thanks for all the Good times, and your Support in the Bad times.

Please feel free to tell me any of the ideas you have for any new Channel. I'm not afraid to be on cam, and Speak. I could even read something For you.

Sydney

How Long..

2010-03-06T00:19:00.003-06:00

I'm curious how long it'll be till someone notices my social sites have been reduced or removed.. I just got my videos removed from public view, and Facebook is soo Missing.. LOL.. 500+ppl haven't noticed I'm gone.

We'll see.

Plans-

Getting Jessica Goetke's Samples done

Getting the basiscs of my book outlined.

going on a small trip, and then planning another soon-there-after

set A pic 6

2010-02-08T23:15:00.001-06:00

set A pic 6
Originally uploaded by volkemon

This is Sooo Pritty,,

Wellington Under the hammer

2010-01-23T23:48:00.004-06:00

I've long since lived near this city called Wellington, Kansas. Often it's dwarfed by Wellington, New Zealand, But I'm often draw back by it's old downtown, and it's eerie stead-fastness. I know it sounds like a cheap line to try reselling a town's history to the new people walking the local roads. I don't think so. I see regrowth.

I see a Small downtown with life a-bloom. What is there you say? My brief talks with a building owner gave me the feeling that the

downtown's going to be a Beautiful people's place. I believe more than 25% of downtown Wellington is up for lease, and or Rent, and just needs that bunch of hard working, and Imaginative businesses that this country is known for.

I've spent many a day zooming up, and down the main street without so much as a cricket to walk across my scooter's path. Wellington has so much to offer. To it's town, and it's people.

The newest rebuilds are above, and to the left. I have on good authority that the one above has a Nice loft in it, and the Store front was recently used to test the market. Sadly I missed out on that. I hope the owner gives it another chance in the spring. the Markets really show more hope during the spring, and summer seasons. People of Wellington walk down the main street, and look through the more than often empty windows thinking what they'd love to have as a business to spend a pence at. I know I'm guilty of such aspirations

myself.

All we need is those farmers to give that "Nod", and put out the word that work is needed, and a town can once again spring to life. Too long has it been since farmers thought of more than McDonald's, and the gas stations as the only java in town. I think that's the reason why the bakery left, and the lawyers, and oil peoples set up shop in downtown. Why is the only college outlet in the highschool? isn't there enough room, and business to be had in downtown. I look forward to this Spring. You should take a look. It's Beautiful

News

2010-01-21T17:32:00.004-06:00

I have been cleaning house. Well internet house.

The comics are loading, and the videos being sorted down.

PaperSydney@Youtube.com

New comics, and small strips will be coming as they're developed, and I have to say I may toss my writings at some of the artists on DA. I figure it might help me show some of the beautiful stories I have in my brain.

Pinkisl33t Comics.

2010-01-20T16:12:00.002-06:00

I was planning on getting DA to host my comics. I guess it's just too much for me to handle at the moment. So I decided to post it here. The Whatever Gender comic will however be on DA.

Comics - Pinkisl33t 7-10

2010-01-20T16:08:00.003-06:00

Comics - Pinkisl33t 4-6

2010-01-20T16:07:00.003-06:00

Comics - Pinkisl33t 1-3

2010-01-20T16:04:00.004-06:00

Secondlife Dying..

2010-01-14T12:42:00.003-06:00

Logged in last 60 days: 1,392,922
Residents inworld: 59,442

Today was a day like any other. I've come to the conclusion I won't be able to meet many people in the SL Verse. The reason is because there's more people on Yahoo chat at the moment than in SL at the moment. I think there's more than 59k people in Wichita, KS.

Is there any reason why SL is becoming so small? I don't know..

Perhaps I'll find out if the subscription base is lower than last year..

Winter

2010-01-06T01:40:00.001-06:00

(this is a msg sent to someone on a personals site.)

I'd say something interesting is happening, but unless it's sleeding behind a 4x4 I doubt it'll be happening anytime soon. I'm not in great shape, and I have pains, but love getting out, and busy. walking hiking. blah blah I also don't believe in myself. though I know i can do alot. I've been safe with my body, but not my travels. if i'm interesting please feel free .. talk sometime.

this has been a curious moment,

Sydney

Tiresome miles

2010-01-05T01:44:00.004-06:00

I'm soon to be in school. learning soo much about networking at the moment, but that's not what the school will be for. I can't jinx it so for the mean time I'll just say it'll be a stable income, and the world won't effect me if it fills me as much as I it. I've started a Project that'll be lasting for a long time to come. Like my websites. this project is one that'll expand or flop. It's always been my plans to expand my knowledge of things around me. So, As i watch "Tower of Druaga" , and think about my options especially the transition ones. I have my eye on those friends around me, and try hard to keep them standing strong. I do believe those who will be effected by my friendship will stay around, and show interest. some will not, and some may be just in waiting. As some know I was very social out in New England, and those friends that practice life by social standards wish as I do to see my happy smile return to the fold. I may be in kansas, but many have said I'm not gone nor forgotten. As i might think this is a delusion sometimes. It isn't . I know whom is, and whom isn't in my grasp of friendship on that level. I also know the deeper, and more realistic friends know I'm very shallow when it comes to idle chatter. I don't spout for spoutings' sake. I do wish it'd come sooner rather than later, but nothing can be done for that. The old strong ways are all I can sue to forward my stable life.

Just to recount. I'm setting up for a stable job, and plan to work hard on my life, and the certainties of it.

Sydney+

p.s. I'm tired..of "T"

Fighting, Tired and Sick

2009-12-13T02:23:00.005-06:00

The world surrounding us is one of great detail, and minuscule relational care. While I feel there's always a reason to ignore the issues surrounding the people you don't care for, but I'm certain that Ignorance of feelings for those you do care for or even aspire to be related with can only mean contempt. I know that this sounds like a fantasy or some soap opera, but the world is as logical as it is illogical.

My mind can only come back to the grand delusion which is Wonderland. This of coarse being the reason for naming both my BLOG, and VLOG after such. I think if it was anything but an affirmation it was a blessing in the least, and a curse at most. My mind is not always happy about being trapped in a place that it can't and sometimes can try hard to fight to find the simplicity that is a certainty of life's values, and gains.

My trip to NY is looming around the corner, and Stephanie is still waiting for me to come visit her in OK. I'm trying to balance the whole of life, and keep my keel down. and masts up.

I'll have to say more later when I can get a better angle on things.

Perhaps I'll run into the Cheshire cat.

Heart on my shoulder

2009-11-30T20:00:00.006-06:00

Seems everytime I make a comptemplative effort to add Joy to the lives of wichitans' I find something as DUMB as I don't want to be part of the Solution.

This is why Downtown is a Mass of Uninhabited buildings. Wichita is a Wasteland of junk, and Anything anyone does to try to bring some civic enjoyment back to it beside worry about dead people or crime rates going up. It all gets Ignored. No wonder When people leave town they never come back.

Dead-ita.

A place where greed, and self sufficiency haven't heard of one another.This is why when I give a hoot for DO-DA I try as hard as I can, But Wichita Depresses me, and 75% of it's population. The other percentage is mixed in with crime greed, and the children who should get used to it or get out as soon as they can.

And I won't be referencing Supposed Civil outlets again. They would rather be a reporting agency rather than the Friend we all knew and Loved since their conception.

Thanks you Wichita. For the Headaches the Depression, and the heartaches of un-civil promise. You will never be dear to me. only your GHOST will be around to comfort the weary.

Dead as the Indians, and Wonderland's Roller coaster (soon to be Joyland)

Failings, and Aspirations

2009-11-22T01:21:00.005-06:00

I wanted to share my failings, and Aspirations with you.

Started the day with the Expressed, and Planned importance of being at the Houston Holocaust Memorial for the T.D.O.R. event. I've found it's very important to respect your dead. Even though in my family it's always been a Shame to see something as sad as this event take place. Every time I've went to my Grandpa's grave I always asked Why? Why don't you have answers for me, and why is Gma such a JERK. I've since stopped going when my Gma passed. I've had very strong feminine characters in my life. I grew up asking why couldn't I know more about Amelia Erhart, and Others Like Rosie the Riviter? All for nothing. There's nothing to know beyond they had the gumption to force their ways into the mans world, and all I can come up with is Failure.

This Last bit aside. My failure to come up with a force to keep me going to the T.D.O.R. event. Brings me to utter frustration. The fact is I also turned down the chance to be comfortable, and with kinder people for thanksgiving. I know it's stupid but I have many reasons, and Sometimes These reasons are worth it. My sister is the reason I'm in Houston. The second reason is to be here for my nefew. Whom has not had nearly enough clarity about his mom, and dad. I think it's just my way to express the failures, and Misgivings of a parent long before thinking they're not foul-able. My parents kept theirs from us till after my older sister, and I had left. I think it's a Failure that could have prevented so-many hardships.

I have been interested in Aly for some time now, and I don't mean to throw her for such loops, but I think she's werth letting know that it's not easy to be me. I'm not simple, and She's gotta know that from prior issues, and history I've told her. I think for someone whom doesn't have a extra Pole and hook in the water she's pretty stable, and Very kind for a NewYorker. I have met a few in my time, and it's typically just barely standable. (i speak of in person) I've met quite a few people online that are that nice aswell.

I've been wanting to live in the Gulf coast since the beginning of this year, and i don't know if i'd mind changing it to NY, but I think it's just a Matter of convinence. I'm sure with the economy, and the lack of jobs the future is something to be met with Stern Seriousness. I want to transittion sometime before I'm some Dumb Gatekeepin' B.s.-ER.

As for thanksgiving the only thing i'm looking forward to without fear is my sister's New recipe for Stuffing. I'm deathly afraid of bad stuffing. I usually spit it out, and Hope to be Plesantly suprised. I am going to not be girly despite the fact this wil be the second year I've been seen as a MAN to people in my family. I'm feeling down about it. I choose this though. Because of my family. Hear that? yeah I mean you.. (the family readin this thing.)

I'm going to keep on being me, and try not to let my voice work back out to it's clearly feminine tone. It's been happening all this week.

I believe I'm going t start working of stories of trans people in basic situations. not just me and my family though you will be seeing some from thanksgiving.. I don't think I could Live through this T-day without my Drawing pad.

Plz Reply

A Day of Rememberence

2009-11-20T16:24:00.005-06:00

Like many other days the transgender day of rememberence is one that is only dwarfed by my own personal feelings. I've always Considered it quite different than others have. My view on death is good-riddense for those I don't like, and Congratulations and celebrations.

I'm just happy that those in such pain and anguish have escaped it.

I wish it wasn't so easy to discriminate, but it is. All we can do is remember to fight till we're on that list, or until we're equal.

http://www.hmh.org/EventDescription.aspx?ID=397

Personal Problems

2009-11-12T19:43:00.005-06:00

So.., Many things cause issues in my life, and one of the worst is Love. A constant wish, and disgust of the feeling, and sometimes just the word triggering it. I wish it were simpler. I want to be loved, and for that person to be that solve I need, but It'd be dumb of me to consider that with all that people know and love that such a person existing one this planet is a far off cry to finding out what'll really be certain. I'm afraid. all the feelings. Love is only 2nd to Friendship. I believe in it. I have very few ideals of what really certifies it, and most of the time those signs can seem like Love is the reason they are there. Love in friendship, or love in lust, and I get confused in that as much as I get confused in noticing people flirting. Unless it's so Blatant. I can't seem to tell when it's happening. I wish I was Shoveling Snow. I wish My body could just Lye in the snow, and relax. If only I had the gusto to pursue the actions to get me there.

Re-Open Our Dreams, Joyland

2009-11-04T08:16:00.013-06:00

Many Many Years have gone by and a Season has turned into a decade. Joyland our pride, and Joy. Our stern commitment to ourselves stands as resolute as Century II downtown. It's owners the Nelsons have tried hard to keep it land, and icons of our past standing, and in hallowed hopes that someday the means will come to revive our sleeping friend. Screams, and Cheers rattling through the neighborhoods that house the people whom just hold on. The productive means still aimed at the most Un-imaginative schemes and Build things that tighten the hopes around our dreams.

Nobody can tell us what we need, But I know that there are ways to keep people from spending 4hrs going to KC or OKC in search of amusements. Re-Open Joyland!

It's not just upto the Nelsons. It's upto the Hearts and Minds of Wichita Kansas.

I'd beg. Wouldn't you. Chime in, Logon, and just call those whom really have the Voice. Call city hall. Call Kake, Ksn, and Kwch! Tell them what you want to do next Spring. Say it with me.

"I Want To Goto Joyland."

I'll post the Feeds, and Numbers Below. all you have to do it pickup the phone, Click the Link or just speak to everyone you get the chance to. Say I miss Joyland, and We should Do something about it. Re-Open for The Service Men, and Women! So they Know what they've been fighting for.

Pinkisl33t #2

2009-10-27T01:54:00.005-05:00

I'd Love to be Uploading my Comic to the site right now, but there's something HUGE in my way. called archieve Instability. I can't find the Originals. I can't believe My family's filled an ENTIRE 500GIG drive. It amazes me. I can't understand unless there's TONS of Large Duplicates...

(SISTERS)

I guess it's unheard of from people whom think that they can Print them out and delete the rest. MY GAWDS! I caught my sister deleting her entire MyPictures folder before any of the pictures could be seen by the family. I went back in and restored them.. *I wiped my forehead on that-one*

I can't believe the Imaculate stupidity my family alows to happen in this family.

the Long-range ones are even worse. Instead of letting us know when she needs something to send us the copies of something she just leaves the pictures on her camera for 2 years while I'm out in NH... Yeah Way to go! I ended up getting thier PAWN-SPECIAL from mom having went down there and saw it lying around or what-not. There's soo much disfuction I am starting to realize what stupidity this world is all about.

Anyways, back to the comic. I've been thinking what the best way to host them is. There is none. I'm just going to post them here and Hope things don't get messy. I wanted you all to know I'm not just "SAYING" that there's comics and show you some sketches.. I have 3 comics. Adura, Pinkisl33t, and a guest comic called. "The Eight" it's a Comic written, and penciled by Steve Requin. He was So nice to chit-chat with on his forum.

There were issues with The Inker. I can't remember her name at the moment. She got really popular, and she couldn't work on it anymore. I'll probley revise this post when I get more definate Info, but I've gotta link his forums, and stuff sometime.

anyways.. Soon to be Posted.. Comics..

Steve's Blog - http://encycloplagiat.blogspot.com/ -(french/canadian)

Spooky Bloom

2009-10-25T16:59:00.005-05:00

The Alice shoot was taken in 2005. during a really dry year.

My commentary about WSU, and Kansas support for Trans People.

Set can be found at www.flickr.com

wavey depressive gravy

2009-10-24T03:51:00.003-05:00

Today I did alot.

ALOT

Believe me. I don't know how it all fit in one day.

I played Cafe world, Secondlife, house, emo gurl, photographer, Music blast, and or coarse I did research.

the research of the day was about transition regret. I heard back-way-when that there was trans people who'd found out or were so confused in their G.I.D. that they pursued going back to their born gender after transition. It's like they say "It's not the Goal. It's the Journey? " I'd have to say It is the Journey, but they don't know that. They're just confused. And G.I.D. isn't always something to solve with a wave of a magic Scalpel. Yes I'm saying For some of us Trans People there's NO GOAL AT ALL. just the journey. it's the road with no end. The long,and lonely road ahead. I myself find that the Goal may be the mirage. I'm humbled by the majority of people who think they can be so sure when they're looking upto Gate-Keepers, and aiming the beliefs at uncertain life decisions. We're not crazy for wanting out ends. We're just the Un-mapped masses. We're just getting a handle on the Gays, and Lesbians. You think you know these things Nemo, but you Don't! Lines from my Mother that speak in a playful sense of reality lerking up on you, and .. .. .. You don't see it coming. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get mine. Perhaps I'll be attacked in a Walmart.. (Yay the first trans gurl to be beated clueless at a Walmart.) Any-how. You all love it when I say nothing at all, and It seems to be the Cost of writing this. Your suffering of the extended time I'm awake.

Well With that I'll leave the Pictures for tomorrow.. Yes I have More Pics. In SL, and of myself..

Sooo Much to say About SL

2009-10-23T11:07:00.008-05:00

Well as anyone who has me on a msgr Knows I'm a SL player. I like it cause it makes it seem like i'm going out. But sometimes reality bites back hard, and I don't get back-on for a while.

Yesterday was a great night/morning, and met a bunch of great people. I've got some Pics of the Pritties, and the Handsomes'.

Above is Rode. She's a Great gal. Very outgoing, and I think she could do with some company or the casual goto the mall kind. The group is certainly filled with what nobody would say simple people. I'd have to say I'm one of them kinds.

I have some sad news though. Poor Faith has been thrown to the trash pile again. This time by her Bias Uncle. Seems he didn't give her any warning,

and invited her to a group which then he

promptly ejected her, and Paper from. It's kina hard to keep friends through relationships that attack people like her now Ex-Uncle. Funny that he wouldn't have just said it., But then again Thus is the Secondlife Motto. "Be You, be Screwed, be Nice or the Lindens will ban you."

The one gal I think i'd love to know more about is Rena. She's Very simple, and Defnately a Ying to my yang. I like meeting nice people. Give me a feeling like i don't belong like Faith.. On my back in the trash.

Well that last statement sent me for a down turn. I'll have to watch out for those implied emotional bursts. In any account. He's Rena in all her Beautiful skin colorfulness.

Isn't she Beautiful in her scarlet gown, and gold chains? I think if i'd ever had to be stuck on any alien planet I'd not mind hers.

In personal news I found some old cards from my ex, and in them she says how she loves me, and then i read the top of one, and it says. Bre. Bre is her Exx, and I've spoken with him. He's certainly not trans. he's more of a Con dresser. He knows he looks cute at con's so he doesn't dress except at cons. I'd have to

say it rushes back a Ton of unwanted thoughts. Thoughts like How precisely it is that the words were darn near the same ones she'd said to me when we broke up. Giving Props to my theory of scripted Fake life. Companions on demand, and a whole slew of drama's I won't get started.

So. Back to someone Who does love me. Despite being soo busy Rene =P.

She's always Been there for me. Emotionally, and the rare intimate. She's her own woman. I'm very happy with us.

That's it for this time. More SL to come, and More personal and professional for you..

Sydney~

Virgle - Sydney In Space.

2009-10-20T22:13:00.002-05:00

Many reasons come to mind when I watched the video for Virgle. I've found myself Thinking about mars Alot at times. I'm not really making any forth-coming progress here on earth, and I feel if i wasn't part of the rat-race things wouldn't revolve around the looks, and feelings as much, and forgiveness is much easier to obtain when your busy working. Plan B as some would say it. Mars is the Exciting new possibility. Nothing like this has been done before, and it's about time someone put their life on the line. Not to get shot or aim to be killed or Kill, but to expand the true reign of humanity. Not as some Viral prolificication, but to see what there is to do. To explore. To move on past these typical mundane thoughts of life that loop back against themselves.

I hope there's some hope for my post-dated Entry.

Finding Some Experience

2009-10-20T02:10:00.003-05:00

I'm always looking at other's works. Not because I want them or want to duplicate them, But because they've had experiences I've never had, and Never will have. Joel Meyerowitz Has been through alot of life, and seen so many things. He knows the fuctions and art that is Camera Work. Not something that is to be taken lighty. I am not an understudy. His work will never be my favorite. As much as i Admire what his work shows He's an Inspiration to me. Knowing that I've had My share of Inspiring people. Bob, One of my friends from New England. Showed me many things I couldn't have read in the books. He taught me that While Taking many shots with huge memory, it's not always the amount that guarantees the shot, but the skill, and the Variation between. I doubt if you asked him he'd say he taught me anything. I know it's a Hard struggle through life, and I may never make a friendship like that again. As for Joel Meyerowitz You can judge for yourself. www.joelmeyerowitz.com

Don't forget to Remember to share your Inspirations. They may inspire more people than you. Even if they're second hand.

Comics #003

2009-10-19T13:08:00.002-05:00

Something I drew with the Intent to frame it.

My drawing skills are very nice.

When I can get them to come out.

Comics #002

2009-10-19T13:01:00.002-05:00

So this one's Brought to you by my sister. She's always telling me that something'll do something or if i'd just get off my butt, and do something, but when I do. There's always a NO answer. Especially when I talk to anyone ahead of time. It makes me feel really bad when I've gotten a No, and have to sit around watching the time I was supposed to be doing something fade into a blank day or hour. same goes with food. As pictured int he comic. I've heard my sister preach on her soap-box, and then get down, and buy the food she said was evil. Or that food that'd rott your face. Or as she puts it. "That stuff's Poison"

Comics

2009-10-19T12:57:00.003-05:00

Here's something that was told to me. About myself.

I'm not naming names, but I also know I can't be sure of it's certainty.

Despite believing it.

Getting ALONG

2009-10-19T10:39:00.002-05:00

Soo many people are fighting, and soo many people are in pain because nobody's listening. So many people have made it their lives to make others happy, and there's not accountability. The topic of today is Getting Along.

For years, and possibly Decades My life's been oriented around making others smile.

My life before my 20's were filled with making use of my good nature, and trying to get everyone in harmony. I think it's futile, and yet I'm made that way. I can't help my good nature. I think it'd take something like my Love killing my entire family in-front of me to change me.

I'm going to tell you what i used to do for fun.

I'd invite people from school to my house and buy soda, and sugar, and chipps, and always be happy to help everyone to a few movies and we'd jump on the trampoline, and swim in the pool, and we'd get along watching movies, working on a car, and trying to be the friends friends would want to have.

Somewhere in the middle it all was preverted

I think it's cause they never knew me at all.

on the other hand I could just be blind to it. Such is the case when being hit-on.

I've had people hate me after saying things that seemed like something basic, and years later now. I've found it could have been a Flirt or a pathetic one. I'm certainly conserned as to the fact I would have figured out I was Trans at somepoint. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

I could have been happy with some people, but they were very confusing to me. I really sometimes think it's better to be alone than try to figure out the drama that is being saught.

And many a time I've gotten the offer to help mistaken with the offer to fornicate. I've never made an action in the fear of being burnt, but usually i'm turning down offers for fear they've got ulterior motives .You can think of it as fear of advancing, but It's kept me for the most part in agony, and physically safe from assault, and learning the greater lessons in life.

Next postings will be a few Comics.

Working on Farms

2009-10-16T11:39:00.003-05:00

Yep. I've been workin till the cows come home and the chickens crow in the morning.. I'm not very happy about how things are right now., but know i've got to move my butt to change any of it. SO. look forward to speratic updates. as much as i Can. stories, and art alike.

Blogger taking over Pinkisl33t.com

2009-10-15T01:33:00.000-05:00

The new wind in my sails

2009-08-28T00:44:00.000-05:00

Started working on these projects. You see there's soo many things to distract me. People's problems. My own worthless feelings, and the constant nagging thought that those i feel are good friends just want to bang me. I have such great project ideas. Now I'm going to draw them and write about them. Speaking of my space. I saved my site once again.. i've got to find some money to keep the hosting current. I will not have to worry about the sites going away. Kittimedia.com will not become a Pron Site... I think i'd rather sell it to a friend or to PETA.. it'd be better used that way..

The wind generator ideas have been being blocked by my in frequent want for someone else to be into it withme. I Want others to be in on this project, but i'm looking at it the wrong way. I know I am cause I've been here many times before with multitudes of other projects. Films, photography, and even just SEX.. yeah.. I have wanted some good sex... Can't I just not have a crying horrified feeling when having sex? for once..

I even regret dry humping this one person..

If i could only get my mind over this Curbstop.

Paz (National Mall, Washington, DC)

2009-08-28T00:38:00.001-05:00

Paz (National Mall, Washington, DC)
Originally uploaded by takomabibelot

My friend is named Pazooki, and she'd probley get a hoot outta this..

Your Light Switch Is Your Vote by Shepard Fairey

2009-03-27T17:38:00.001-05:00

Your Light Switch Is Your Vote by Shepard Fairey
Originally uploaded by Earth Hour Global

I believe in this...

WIll

2008-12-11T22:38:00.002-06:00

Willsedit
Originally uploaded by paper_sydney

I know sometimes in life our friends depart, and many friends stay and get the worst of times from you, But someone that al i do with is shay hi about 3 times a year with sent me this photo. I really wish i could pursue him. I think things wouldn't be easy but. Love is a valient thing. I don't know it's true end. I wish i did..

Will you're Cute , Hot, and you make a Great Priest!

Sydney+

p.s. It was Wills' Lovely Cousin whom made this beautiful edit.

gown_effects 025P

2008-10-24T04:26:00.001-05:00

gown_effects 025P
Originally uploaded by paper_sydney

So many feelings.. I have fights daily. i don't know if i will make it. But i must try. The feelings that Dani&Dani won't try to screw me over or up makes me feel better about the risk. I think when someone can't make a solid decision and at least not Raz you about the context they have denied you. They are worse than enemies . At least they guy who raped me was honest with himself. he wanted to have something, and nothing could stop him. I feel worse than dirty. I feel i've been designed to be dirty. HOW DARE THEY!!!!?

Forget about the fact you try to buy your daughters sence back. forget that this is the only place i could go. forget that it makes no sence we waited till things broke to even substantiate my conserns for repairs. In 8 years you've let your barn break, your finances bust, your family have hard times, and you're a prude about so-many things it'd make a catholic say hey! i think it's enough.

I love you mom, dad, but you make me suffer for your ill will.

Graphitti IV

2008-10-23T05:26:00.001-05:00

Graphitti IV
Originally uploaded by stinkiepinkie_1979

Some lovely woman in mind. Many a kind thought went into work i don't even have the will to produce. My family cripples me. and thinks it'll work. I'm not as stiff as horrible people we deal with on a day to day basis. I on the other hand have not spoken to anyone outside this house in 2 weeks. this is getting to me. Why can't i just get myself to the decision to leave. to go back to Boston.

A beautiful lady for a beautiful hope.

If it wasn't so hard I wouldn't feel like this.

2008-10-23T05:21:00.001-05:00

Graphitti
Originally uploaded by Unh@ppyb@st@rd

Very obvious words. Though all you need to do is be in my family to know it's all sufferance. I see myself quite honestly infront of that train ... I sometimes wish it'd been my end.. being run over by a subway train... at least there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to get back to Boston.

pain, death, and humanity as a rock

2007-09-28T01:23:00.000-05:00

You'd think dreaming about death would insight some goth phase or need for help i was intending to seek help but as in all things intent doesn't enact a task under-way many people don't get help. I one of them set alone in the wasteland of our world. humanity the equivalent to rocks dotting the landscape. I can see my fight is not one with the people but with myself to not become a rock or more insignificant a pebble We all have our inner battles it seems that the freedom of mind over task is dragging us away from success. we wont win with this as the rocks we are. art is alive and music primed but all of my dreams are filled with dying. from the fight to the night my dreams are all unhelpful and undeserving. my hopes a very light moss on the ground being trampled. i owe myself the end;

the end of this blog entry

P.s. i am continuing to seek help.

A Johnathan I'll never meet

2007-09-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

I HAVE THIS FEAR THAT IF I MEET SOMEONE I LIKE FROM TV . THAT THEY WILL DIE OR BE UNPOPULAR. THINGS ARE UNFOUNDED DON'T RULE MY WORLD, BUT MY WORLD NEEDS A BIT MORE DIVERSITY. THE THING ABOUT ME MEETING ALLOT OF GOVERNMENT PEOPLE IS KINDA TRUE. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHOM I AM SINCE; AS ALICE SAID IN "THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS".

~WHOM I AM I CAN NOT SAY FER YOU SEE I'VE CHANGED SO-MANY TIMES SINCE THIS MORNING.~

I AM EVER CHANGING, AND AT THE SAME TIME I'VE NEVER STOPPED BEING ME. SENSITIVE, IDEALISTIC, HAPPY, SMILING, DESTRUCTIVE, FREE, TRAPPED, DEPRESSED, METAPHORICAL ME.

"THINGS WILL CHANGE BUT NEVER I SAID THE ROCK. "

ALAS THE ROCK WAS WRONG. WEATHERING AND SONICS MULTIPLE MILLIONS OF THINGS WE MAKE NOT SO IMPORTANT CHIP MR. ROCK INTO THE DUST HE WILL BECOME SOME DAY. MANY OF MY FRIENDS NEVER REALIZED WHILE THEY CHANGE THEMSELVES THEY'RE STILL GOING TO BE THEM. WHATEVER NAME THEY USE: WHATEVER ADDITUDE THEY PORTRAY OR COMPANY THEY KEEP.

a start none the less

2007-09-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

I know i've had blogs before and never showed much interest in showing anyone anything special in them. I never had anything to fill them with. well NOW I do.