Every time this comes up. I feel I have to explain it all over again, but it's pretty simple for those of us in PTSD that where physically assulted, and souls of those we knew shown as empty holes.
I can't promise I'll ever get over it. I was so entangled in the belief that the person I trusted, and tried to make feel comfortable, and happy in all aspects of my knowledge. I am not bringing this up to fall deeper into it. It's very easy to use it as a way to stir the pain.
My plot against it is to continue doing something that works, and doesn't, and fails, and thrives.
I've been planting veggies, and fruits for years now. pushing at 4 years easy. The decision to do it was a mistake of considering that everything I'd do would fail. It was my plan. Making that mistake I realized until I fail at it all. It became more fruitful than I'd wanted. and I keep trying bigger. As if to fail worse, but the truth is while the failure is what I hope to succeed at. It doesn't mean I will succeed,
I feel the best clarity of this is contrary-wise I'm growing something. Something I'd otherwise never see around me. something nobody around me would aim for, and to step forward where others don't even try to go. That is the true goal of building myself out of the depression, and the not talking.
Four years ago now. I was sitting in my room avoiding people, and even walmart as it's the only place you can go to limit one's interactions with others. I was on a single word conversation basis with my parents, and had no hope of having a love or a life. not even the Internet could snare me. I was sitting in my room watching sun rises, and sunsets, and eating what was brought to me.
Nobody forgets when that happens to them. It's sad, and soul pulling. I found myself wanting to kill myself again. the previous time being a failure. I was wanting to show people that I was death. I wouldn't be able to grow anything, A curse of soil as I touched it. Despite that it's very obvious it was a test of what i felt was lost to re-engage my social, and family connections.
Family wasn't anything close to helpful, but they were there, full of issues they'll never get past, and having nothing to say about it made me understand I didn't need them, and they didn't need me. Neither does anyone else in the world. The strength of humanity has to come from somewhere else. I don't know where to this very day, but I do enjoy talking to those who'll have me, and exersize the social chit chattery we've been raised to notice in a checkout lane. I feel it's better than a snickers or milkyway chocolate bar.
So by avoiding anyone who's cause me tears, and building my life around Only those who've wanted me. I feel I've grown as a person.
